you know you're my saving grace

i have started this blog post three times now (this is four) the first one was lost because my computer crashed. the rest just didn't say what i wanted them to. so, i am starting again from scratch.

i think this post is gonna be about my sister, penelope. she is so many things: talented, compassionate, creative, and most of all, an amazing mom. right now, she is laying in a hospital bed with a very sick three year old boy. she's playing him some of hers and his favorite songs. they are all good songs, but the one that sticks out is the one she passionately sang over and over to her sweet boy.

we've always been pretty big beyonce fans in our family. destiny's child was awesome, and beyonce never made a song we didn't like. however, it's common knowledge that penelope has the rights in our house to halo. she has loved it since it first came out, and as a result, her baby adores the song. he knows every word and sings along to it any time it comes on. its his mommy's song.

listening to her passionately sing that already emotional song put me over the edge today. my baby sister's baby is hurting. a lot. but so is my baby sister. its a hard process to watch; one that makes me feel helpless every day. i can't imagine the pain she is going through, watching her baby boy changing and suffering so much. through this all, she remains an example to me. still faithfully saying her prayers, watching uplifting movies about trials, and being there for her baby.

pene has always been the best mommy imaginable. she makes crafts with her baby. she plays fun games, sings songs and cooks with him. she takes him on walks and they go on adventures. they go hiking up the canyon and letter boxing. she takes him swimming and to visit family. she taught him to love the lord and love the scriptures. she sets the example of prayer and church attendance. when he is older, she is going to homeschool him. and i have no doubt he will remain the smartest kid i've ever met.

this sweet boy is waiting for his 2nd brain surgery in 8 days. it's scheduled for tomorrow. they want to try to get the tumor volume down below 1.5 cm3, decreasing the amount of radiation necessary to cure him. the hope is that he can be out of the picu by his 4th birthday on monday the 15th, and in for another surgery the monday following that. then, we've got about 10 more days until radiation starts. 5 days a week for 6 weeks. following that, we'll start 12 months of chemotherapy. i have never been happier that Christmas falls on a saturday. radiation on Christmas is just plain mean.

through this entire process, penelope's baby has been poked, prodded, and flat out hurt more than any child ever should. but he remains the polite, sweet boy we know. he's constantly thanking the nurses and throwing out you're welcomes to people who thank him for the blood sample he just cried over.

today, i was able to watch my sweet nephew sing along to one of his favorite songs, single ladies. his weak little body couldn't even keep his eyes open, but he was able to whisper the words. i know that he yearned to be able to hop up and sing/dance like he used to, but he made the best of it and sang his little heart out. it made me regret all the times he asked for single ladies, but i was too sick of it to play it again. it made me regret a lot of missed opportunities i had with my sweet nephew.

i am nervous about his surgery tomorrow. nervous that my sweet nephew might not be able to sing and dance to his favorite songs anymore. nervous that he will not recover as well from his second surgery. nervous that he will be still recovering over his birthday. but most of all nervous that my sweet baby sister might have to find a way to live without her baby.

it's only a 6 hour surgery max (i never thought that would seem short) and the surgeon is much more confident this time around. but it still worries me. brain surgery is brain surgery, and as the surgeon pointed out, there is still the possibility for stroke, permanent brain damage, massive blood loss and loss of motor skills and muscle control. all of those things scare me, but none of them scare me as much as not having this sweet boy in my life.

tomorrow will be another day full of prayers, fasting, and pleading for this sweet baby. a day full of keeping faith in the surgeon's trained hands. keeping faith in mason's immense strength. faith in his ability as a fighter. a day full of faith in the power of the priesthood, the Lord and His miracles.