dreams

this post is not about masey. wow, that feels so weird to type! he is at home now, and doing so so well!  read his blog for an update

this post is about me. it's also about one of my best friends in the entire world. it's also about one of my fondest dreams.

the story i am going to tell is not one i share with people. ever. in fact, it's one that i usually try my best to hide. it's something that my subconscious mind thinks of as shameful. it's something that i am sharing because it just feels like the time...

best friends are a tricky thing. everyone needs them, but by having them, we open ourselves up to get really hurt. people who know us the best also know what low blows can be said in a fight that will hurt the most. i had one of those fights tonight, and it was not a fun thing. i guess i should start a bit farther back though.

i have always loved children. since i can remember, i have wanted at least 10 kids. more if possible! i wanted my kids to have lots of siblings, and to all be close in age so they would always have playmates and friends. i planned names for them, practiced with the neighborhood kids and any other child/baby i could get my hands on!

that all changed when i was 16, though. i received the most devastating medical diagnosis i could imagine. i was told i would not be able to have children, and if by some miracle i did, it would only be through intense infertility treatments. not only was it incredibly devastating to me. it also seemed shameful. something i was terrified people might find out about me. a stigma i did not want.

i knew that the diagnosis left the possibility for children through infertility treatments. but i also knew it did not leave the possibility for 10 or 11 or 12. i got tunnel vision and could only think about the first half of the diagnosis. as far as i was concerned, i could not have children. my world had ended, and i fell into a deep depression. i did not recognize it at the time, but looking back on my life, i see the path depression left. my grades and attendance plummeted. my relationship with my family suffered. i ended up dropping out of high school the week of graduation. i was too busy feeling sorry for myself and being angry at the Lord to do anything, including finish high school.

i became a drop out statistic. i burned bridges with family and friends and did not care. i can't say i blame all these things on the diagnosis, and i cannot say that it is an excuse. but that is my story. or at least my side of it.

through this entire time, i did my best to not let anyone know about it. i did not tell my family, i did not tell my friends. i was ashamed--not only of the diagnosis, but of my behavior because of it.

now, i guess we can fast forward to current day. the depressive streak is past. i have chosen to focus more on the fact that children can be possible than that they most likely are not. the shame is past, though i still have not chosen to share this with many people.

what is not gone--but i wish was--are the fears. the ones that lurk in the back of my mind in a quiet room. the ones that go the deepest. the ones that say i will never have kids. that i will never find an eternal companion. that not being able to have kids will never even be an issue, because i will never marry. those are the fears that were played on today by one of my best friends (who herself is a mom).

and it just felt so unfair.