Monday, September 5, 2011

fires and Jesus fish

so, i decided to spend my precious break from school by visiting my grandpa in malad. it was AWESOME!! in every way. well, except one. while i was there, my computer decided to burn up. no, like literally started smoking/a fire. luckily (can you really call that luck. maybe a blessing) it was not until about 90 seconds after i walked into the room (for the first time that day) and picked it up that it decided to self destruct. it was like 2 am, and my grandpa was long asleep, so i did the most logical thing i could think of. i called pene, then began to tear that sucker apart. i mostly wanted to see what exactly had started the fire, and just what my laptop looked like in general. that plan kind of sucked, though. all of the tiny screws on the bottom of the laptop were stripped (it's entirely possible that i stripped them myself with a giant screwdriver....) so i resorted to prying different compartments open with a screw driver.

it was a pretty long process, and in the end i stopped because i got paranoid that i would die of mercury/lead poisoning. i had known the computer was dying, it was pene's for like two years before i ever got my hands on it, but it was still bittersweet. i had just mastered the perfect angle/pressure i had to apply to the screen to get it to work. i had mastered the hold to apply if the fan stopped working, or if the internet went in and out. I knew the exact amount of time to let it warm up before attempting to actually do anything on it, and the specific angle to plug in the charger to ensure an actual charge. r.i.p., heavy, old, slow laptop. i'm trading you up.

in other news, apparently one poster on ksl listened to my advice. i bought a car this weekend. it was marvelously cheap, passed inspection and emissions, has a "noise", leaks transmission fluid and engine oil. it was probably a drug car, as all of the door panels are broken and there is no fabric stuff on the ceiling. it smells of smoke, and had an ashtray FULL of cigarette butts (who knew people still used ash trays??) it's got rust and a born again type Jesus fish on the trunk (wow, that may be offensive) speaking of the trunk, the lock cylinder has been taken out, and i cannot figure out how to open it without it. if anyone feels like they want to assist, feel free to let me know. despite any of that, it was quite a steal, and i kinda like it. or, i will like it once i get a strong enough air freshener to convince myself it was not smoked in. if i had a smart phone, or a camera phone, i would take a picture. if anyone is interested, google "1995 ford taurus" and then imagine the results without a shiny paint job (dark green, or maybe dark blue)

let's see... i also spent a week with my sister talia's kids. because she has marvelous flight benefits, she spent the week in seattle, making earrings, seeing les mis, going to this sweet lady's baby shower, and sleeping for outrageous amounts of time, from what i hear. at home, i enjoyed eating out every night, braving chucky cheese's (what can i say, i needed a good bribe) and just playing the role of stand-in mother.

i found a job (two, actually...) and need to go to the dermatologist. i have a big old mole just under my left eyebrow, and i am now convinced it is cancerous (drama much?) so, i am going to need to have it cut off/biopsied. this sounds vaguely familiar... :)

um, i guess that is all for now...i don't expect i will be posting much this semester, i am taking 18 credits and working 1.5 jobs. peace out, peeps!  :)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

An open letter..

To the 40,612 people with car ads on KSL tonight:

So, you are wanting to sell your car? Getting married, joining the army, going off to school, need the money, got in an accident, bought a new one, found out you were cheated and want to turn the tables? Whatever your reason, good job finding KSL. The entire world that is Utah commerce runs on KSL. You're bound to find a buyer. Here are just a few pointers, which I have compiled during my own search for a used car.

First and foremost: the CARS section of KSL is for cars which are for sale. We do not care to hear the sob story about why you need a van that seats 12, runs perfectly and has a wheelchair lift for $50 or less. We do not care that you are looking for a specific shade of lime green VW Bug. We do not care that you are selling your awesome tires/system/floor mats.  There are wanted/auto parts sections for posts like that.

If your car payment is over $500/month, what on earth makes you believe someone on KSL wants to take over payments rather than go out and buy their own new, overpriced car?

If your car needs the following, it cannot be said that your car "runs great":
head gasket
fuel pump
catalytic converter
gas tank
ball joints
tie rods

The phrases "runs great" and "needs work" are mutually exclusive. Related is this: If you put a phrase like "needs work" or "needs TLC" in your ad, explain!! It will take you literally moments of your life.

Your totaled  car without a scrap of still-smooth metal, is not worth $1,000. Even if the engine (which appears to have gone through a metal crusher) were working, it is not worth $1,000.

You are attempting to sell an item worth hundreds or thousands of dollars. Would it kill you to a) post pictures and b) post non fuzzy, actually useful ones?  Related, if your ad contains phrases like "will post pics soon" or "as you can see from the pics" and you have not put up pictures, you really are just looking stupid.

A car does not "run great right up until it wouldn't start this morning". There were warning signs. You are just too uneducated to have spotted them, or think we are stupid enough to believe you.

Your transmission/engine/tires/ball joints are not "new" or "just replaced" after 76,000 miles.

No matter how many flowery, happy words you use, $1,500 is not a "newly lowered price" for a 1967 VW Beetle without an engine or tires.

Your car is not worth blue book. End of story. I am not kidding. End of story.

If you have posted your ad more than 10 times in the past few days and no one has called, your car may be overpriced. Please stop posting it until you lower your price (see above advice before determining a price)

So, you got duped into paying $1,500 for a 1988 Corolla that needs a new transmission and head gasket? I am sorry. Not because you were duped, but because you believe you can dupe another buyer into the same trap. Unfortunately, from my experience you may be correct.

It is irrelevant that you have put over $5,000 into the car in repairs the last year. We will all assume everything you do not tell us is broken, works. Your car's value does not increase by the amount you put into it.

In contrast, your car's price should decrease according to the amount of work required to pass safety/IM. People who recognize this are not low balling you. Please stop amending your ads to discourage "low ball offers".

O.B.O. means or best offer. This is an optional phrase. Do not use it unless you are willing to accept less than the list price.

Your 1957 Dodge truck does not get 35 mpg. Please stop trying to make jokes.

The car's in SEATTLE?? W.T.F.?!?! I really have no idea why you are posting on KSL. There are plenty of overpriced, under-performing cars here in Utah.

"I don't have the title, but it is legit" is about the LEAST legit phrase I've ever read in a posting. Possibly illegal, even.

Lastly, if you state in the ad that you prefer to be called/texted/emailed, please be sure that your preferred type of contact info is provided in the ad. "TEXTS ONLY" is only possible when you leave your number. If you want a phone calls only and insist on screening your calls, please clean out or set up your mailbox. Both of those notices are rather annoying to hear from an automated voice.

My fellow KSLers, I really do wish you good luck. I hope that you find the perfect car or the perfect buyer.

Also, thanks for immediately applying my advice to your current and future ads,


(If there is any doubt as to the legitimacy of the advice above, please spend a few days/weeks trolling KSL for a car and get back to me. But, don't say I didn't warn you)