Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Random thoughts...

Well, I read a book about overcoming OCD the other day. Am I a coffer full of knowledge and insight into overcoming OCD? One would hope so.

Sadly, the only thing I have accomplished by reading the book is recognizing that I obsess about things. Irrational and ridiculous things. I swear that my obsessions are worse off since I read that book.

Now I'm obsessing about how I obsess about things. I'm hopeless!


I feel like I am standing on the brink. I am stuck in this rut in my life--not entirely miserable, but also not entirely content. My toes are dangling out over the edge, and my future; the fulfillment of 23 years of desires, is within sight. All I need to do is take the leap of faith.

I feel like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. I cannot watch his leap of faith scene. It makes me tense about my own situation. So much rests on me going forward, but the way is deceiving. I can see the glowing chamber that is my future. Even though my trusty guide is urging me forward, I am not sure.

I recently realized that my entire life has been leading me to this exact point. The precipice I stand at is the culmination of years of preparation. I have been unconsciously working toward this day literally forever.

I also recently realized that this feet-dragging I am experiencing is only a problem of perspective. Someone above or below (or even to either side) of Indiana Jones would be able to see the situation clearly, without the deception Indy experiences. They would urge him forward, confused about why he pauses.

I, too, am merely a victim of perspective. From where I am at, the way seems impassable. Yet I have a guide, the Spirit, that is far more knowledgeable about these things. My guide is telling me to move forward with faith. I have no real options but to do so.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The back story

Any time I see skid marks on the road, I wonder about the story behind them. Was someone driving too fast, and a deer darted in front of them? Were they on their cell phone when traffic all-of-the-sudden stopped? Were they driving too fast when their exit snuck up on them? Most of the time, I am left to my thoughts to ponder the story behind the skid marks; it is not often that I get the whole story.

The most disconcerting skid marks are the ones that head straight off the edge of the road. Those have back stories that I do not care to know. Those almost always end in tragedy. My dad and brother left skid marks like those on the freeway once. Driving past there, I have this morbid urge to look for the skid marks. There are plenty to choose from, so I usually pick a pair and assume those are them. The physical reminder of someone's worst drive ever.

It is not often that our choices leave such blatant physical proof. If you choose to drink, short of a biopsy of your liver, the alcohol will have left few physical side effects. Not so with tire marks on the road. They are a testament to the raw power that 2 tons of steel and metal rolling down the road at 65 mph can possess.

Skid marks make me grateful for modern-day advances in brake technology. They are a humbling reminder of our own mortality. I cannot look at a set of skid marks without the urge to slow down; wherever I am headed will still be there even if I am 5 minutes late.

Every image sends a message, but every image also has a back story. The back story is rarely public knowledge. It's the stuff deep family secrets are made of; the stuff of legends. I think often, we are extremely concerned with what message we are sending out to other people. Maybe we should be more concerned with the back story; the real story. That's what will matter in the end.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

April showers

April showers bring May flowers

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

The rains came down and the floods came up...and the house on the rock stood still.

Well, it is raining tonight. Not the usual Utah drizzle, but pouring rain. It's a little intimidating to see this much rain on my way home from work. The first thought that ran through my mind was annoyance that it was raining, until I realized that April showers bring May flowers. Then I was actually kind of happy. It's amazing what the difference of attitude makes. Earlier, my attitude was annoyance because the rain symbolized winter to me, and I was ready for winter to be over months ago.

Remembering that nursery rhyme changed my mindset. All of the sudden, rain meant sunshine and flowers-- the beginnings of Spring! It was such a shock to me to realize that my entire attitude could be changed by something so simple as a nursery rhyme.

Something that I viewed as a nuisance, an annoyance, was suddenly transformed into a wonderful reminder that winter is not forever. Rain went from being the bane of my existence to being a source of joy.

I wrote that last night, and it has rained off and on today also. I have a much better attitude about the rain today. I am focusing more on the fact that I love the smell of rain, I miss the smell of slugs after it rains, and I mostly just love summer.

Spring is here; Summer must be on its heels!