Tuesday, July 31, 2007

One more day.

Well, today is Tuesday. The funeral was yesterday, and it was an incredibly draining day. I knew it would be a hard day, but I was surprised at how hard it really was. I usually prefer to not show emotion in public, especially grief, because it is so hard to pull back the tides of my grief once they hit the shore. Needless to say, I about lost it when they closed the casket for the last time on my beautiful, sweet Grandma. After that, I pretty much closed the door on those emotions, and I did marvelously well through the rest of the funeral. The only problem is that now I am in a state of denial. It's hard to even admit it; like saying it out loud will vanish the make-believe world I live in, where Grandma's not really dead, just on an unexplained vacation. My little cousin, I'll call her Bright-eyes, is absolutely convinced that Grandma is coming back to earth in a few weeks when the second coming comes. It must be so comforting for Bright-eyes to think this; it's what my irrational mind is begging me to believe.

I was supposed to work today, go to mutual tonight, and pretty much return to my normal life, but some unexplained emotion urges me to stay here. To be close to Grandpa, and this house. I am not sure what the pull is; maybe it's because Grandpa and Grandma were always such a package deal. I've rarely ever seen one without the other... I think some part of my subconscious is hoping that, by staying close to Grandpa, I might be able to stay close to Grandma also. I'm not sure that I will ever know, but for one more night, I am staying here, close to my Grandpa, close to this house, and close to this town that Grandma loved so. One day, I'll have to go back to normal life and pretend to be healed and recuperated, but not today. I am blessed with one more day.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Might as well keep going!

I really like small towns. They tend to be quiet, slow places where you can really hear yourself think. Every time I come to a small town, it seems so peaceful and restful, like the rest of the world can go away but this town will stay as it has always been, untouched.

Most times, I like the quiet; it gives you a chance to think and make decisions with a clear mind. This time, however, I am wishing for the rush of my normal life, I am wishing for anything else to distract me and keep my mind busy. The charm has left this place. This town is tainted. Like other small towns, it remains in the past; the only difference is that this town's past is a sad one, surrounded by reminders of my Grandma.

One Day, I know I will yearn for any reminder of my Grandma, but for today, all I want is to escape this place and all its sad reminders.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Thoughts on the Day...

Well... I am really not sure what to say right now. This does not seem like the perfect time to start a blog, but at the same time, all I want to do right now is write. Something about writing is so therapeutic for me. It's a vent for my emotions, my thoughts, and who knows what else. I am not sure how often I'm going to be posting, but here is my inaugural post! :)

Yesterday, at around noon, my Grandma passed away. It's unfathomable to me that she is really gone.

The night before she passed, after leaving the hospital for the last time, I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I thought I would miss about my grandma. They went from the trivial (Christmas decorations) to the deeply personal (our hours-long chats on the phone when I needed advice, or just a kind ear). The list was huge, it took up pages and pages of my journal. By the time I was finished, I felt emotionally drained and exhausted, but it felt good to make the list. The following morning, my worst fears were confirmed when I got the call telling me about Grandma's passing.

When I got to grandma's house, I felt like I was emotionally prepared to comfort Grandpa, clean, mourn, whatever this house could throw at me. That all went out the window when I walked in and saw a pair of red, white, and blue shoes of hers. When I saw them, my heart dropped. I realized that I was prepared for a generic, completely clear house, not the home my Grandma walked out of days ago. It seems like every where I turn, I see something, either small or large, that screams GRANDMA! From her piano to her special table to the magazines scattered around the desk, my grandma's imprint is on everything in sight.

It was after this realization that I realized something else; My grandma left an imprint on me, also. Her example of womanly virtue, faith, and motherhood will stay with me throughout my life. Her patience, kindness and beauty are forever embedded in my memories. It is for this that I am most grateful. I know that for now, I will mourn her death, but I take comfort in the knowledge that Familes are forever. My Grandma is not simply gone. She is in a truly better place, surrounded by countless loved ones and family members. There's only so much mourning you can do with that kind of knowledge.

Rest Well, Grandma!

Ofa Lahi 'Atu!