Tuesday, July 31, 2007

One more day.

Well, today is Tuesday. The funeral was yesterday, and it was an incredibly draining day. I knew it would be a hard day, but I was surprised at how hard it really was. I usually prefer to not show emotion in public, especially grief, because it is so hard to pull back the tides of my grief once they hit the shore. Needless to say, I about lost it when they closed the casket for the last time on my beautiful, sweet Grandma. After that, I pretty much closed the door on those emotions, and I did marvelously well through the rest of the funeral. The only problem is that now I am in a state of denial. It's hard to even admit it; like saying it out loud will vanish the make-believe world I live in, where Grandma's not really dead, just on an unexplained vacation. My little cousin, I'll call her Bright-eyes, is absolutely convinced that Grandma is coming back to earth in a few weeks when the second coming comes. It must be so comforting for Bright-eyes to think this; it's what my irrational mind is begging me to believe.

I was supposed to work today, go to mutual tonight, and pretty much return to my normal life, but some unexplained emotion urges me to stay here. To be close to Grandpa, and this house. I am not sure what the pull is; maybe it's because Grandpa and Grandma were always such a package deal. I've rarely ever seen one without the other... I think some part of my subconscious is hoping that, by staying close to Grandpa, I might be able to stay close to Grandma also. I'm not sure that I will ever know, but for one more night, I am staying here, close to my Grandpa, close to this house, and close to this town that Grandma loved so. One day, I'll have to go back to normal life and pretend to be healed and recuperated, but not today. I am blessed with one more day.

3 comments:

Clayton and Susan Leonard said...

Latu, I love you girl and your sweet spirit. You are so much like grandma in that when you love someone, you love them fiercely. The funeral service was beautiful. The flowers, the thoughts, the people.. When I first saw grandma in the casket I couldn't believe it. that's when I lost it. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to stop looking at my grandma and lose her. But later, when I finally touched her cold hand, I realized that the body lying there was not grandma. She wasn't there. It made me realize that closing the casket wasn't locking her away, but only her body. She's not locked away in a casket, but awake and perceptive in a world we cannot see but in which I'm sure she can see us. Hang in there cousin. Love you,
Susan

Chris said...

Latu,

Those are very touching and poingniant words, and they describe how I am feeling too. This all seems like some terrible dream that I can't wake from. Thankfully, families are forever and we will be able to see her again someday. We just have to live our lives so that dream can be realized. I love you.

Christopher and Alicia said...

Latu,

It was so wonderful to see you, and I think this is a wonderful time to start a blog - what a tribute to Grandma. I echo your feelings about wanting to stay close to Grandpa, and I think you said it perfectly: they were such a package deal that being close to him somehow heals things a little bit, or at least makes it seem like she's still here. Anyway, thanks for your words. I love you!

Alicia