six-pick up sticks

what is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

i would say the hardest was death. probably my grandma's. hers was so heart wrenching. it changed the path of my life. it removed an enormous force in my life, which made all the other forces out of whack. i still don't think they are straightened out. it is hard for me to talk about because i have some left over teenage angst and truly do not believe anyone can understand how much i miss her. i do not think anyone can understand how much i needed/need her in my life still. i do not think anyone loved her like i do. i do not think anyone can even understand how amazing she was, or the impact her death had on my life. i know, crazy. but, no matter what anyone else says it will not change my mind.

five alive

what are 5 things that make you most happy right now?

well, the 5 things right now are named mo, masey, jenna lee, sila boy and baby nina.

i guess another is summer time. i love having the option to swim whenever i want, and not to have to be in a nasty indoor pool.

i love a/c. with a passion. i can't remember how i survived before a/c

traveling. i love seeing new things, places and people (i guess i like seeing new nouns...)

trek. i am seriously digging trek. i love it so much.

four my younger self

list 10 things you would tell your 16-year old self, if you could

wow, there really is so much i would tell my younger self. I wish I could just infuse my 16 year old self with the infinite knowledge and wisdom i now possess.

no, but really, this one is a pretty hard question. i am sure that the moment i finally choose 10 and post them, i will think of something better. but, here are my 10 (for now)

1. be the change you want to see in the world. stop spending so much time trying to push the river. be the change you want before you expect it from anyone else.
2. along those same lines, you cannot change anyone else. stop trying. no, for reals, just stop trying. you will be 100x happier if you just accept that.
3. finish high school. i know you are still a few years from that point, and you might not believe you need this advice, but YOU DO!! finish high school. 
4. you can go to college without paying out of pocket/getting a full ride scholarship. there is a magical thing called student loans and grants (your parents aren't quite poor enough to qualify for beautiful grants, but believe me that day will come) for some reason, your high school counselor will offer much "guidance" but will never mention this third option. (um, also...your guidance counselor will sobbing cry to you in a year. do not feel obligated to sit through it. say goodbye and leave her to her tears. it's not your problem)
5. forgive dad. no, really, do it. in a few short years, he will look death in the face. all this anger and drama will mean absolutely nothing. just let it all go and feel the freedom of forgiveness.
6. grandma is not immortal. she will die in less than 5 years. appreciate the time you have with her. enjoy the trips she will take from idaho to spend time with you at college. go to costco with her every.single.time she comes into town. listen to her advice, take your medicine, she is a genius. your children will not grow up playing games with her and doing crafts with her. you will need to learn those skills to pass on her legacy. pay more attention now. appreciate the newsletter. those glimpses into grandma's mind will one day be the closest you can come to talking to her.
7. you are absolutely right, you are clinically depressed. go to the doctor and get you some happy pills. it will save years of anguish. depression is a chemical imbalance, you will not be able to balance those chemicals in any other way. just trust me and take the pills.
8. don't argue with pene on the day you were supposed to graduate; it is not her fault, and you will just end up rear-ending another car. the driver will be on the way to her daughter (your classmate)'s graduation, which will only add insult to injury.
9. you are a bonafide melting pot. half of your genetic material is tongan, the other half is a mixture of scottish, welsh, english, german, french, navajo and paiute.  as you can see you are more brown than white. you do not need to prove that to anyone. you are the only one who gets to decide who/what you are. do not accept a race-based label from ANYONE.
10. pene is going to have a baby in a few years. it's gonna be a rough time for her. do everything you can to make it easier and make sure she knows you love her unconditionally.  also, that baby will get cancer. i wish i could tell you he lives to be an old man, but only one person knows that answer right now. however old he lives, appreciate the crap outta that kid. he will bring sunshine to your home and life.

three's a crowd

describe your relationship with your parents

this is another pretty hard question. my relationship with my parents has morphed so much over the years. i guess i can just explain my whole life and you can take it or leave it!

also, to understand my relationship with my parents, you need to understand that i am fully aware that i am a brat. i know that my relationships with my parents were shaped mostly by my own brattiness. i know that i could have had a hollywood-type relationship with my parents if i had wanted one. that our relationships have struggled is a reflection on my own issues, not theirs. 

my dad was always the do-no-wrong type in my childhood. that is why, when he did wrong, it was really hard for me to move past it. i spent most of my teenaged years angry and bitter toward my dad for whatever reason my teenaged self saw as justified. i saw him as the enemy, and was fine having as little contact with him as possible. we lived under the same roof, but i cannot remember having any conversation with him about anything other than things like "the food is ready" or "go do _____" that all changed during the last half of my senior year in high school, when my dad became deathly ill. for the first time in my life, he was fragile, and truly on death's door. that was a humbling experience for me. i had to reconcile my resentments toward him with the pity and love i was feeling because of his illness. he became less of the enemy and more of my dad. i realized how little my anger mattered, and how much i was willing to fight for his health and life. that was a huge deal for me, and changed our relationship so much. now, years later, his health is still an issue, and every so often we are reminded how sick he is, but i love those reminders. they help me keep focused and keep my priorities in check. now, i can chat with my dad about anything and everything. i don't see him as a disciplinarian or authority figure, i see him as my dad and a human. which is much better than when i saw him as a conglomerate of his flaws.

my mom. we have so many personality traits in common. my mom would always say that, but i hated to hear it. i hated to think that i was like her. in my eyes, she was a mom. i was an original, the only one like me. there was no way we were alike. i had all the teenaged angst in the world and truly believed that there was no one out there who could understand me. not a single soul. thus, when my mom tried to understand me, i pushed her away. i pushed especially hard the (many) times she got it right or got it close. i did not like the thought that she was in my head. that she might have insight i could use. i just wanted to go it alone. to prove who knows what to the world. while i was rekindling my relationship with my dad, my mom was busy trying to save our family. she went back to school, as it was apparent my dad would never be able to work again. the timing was bad for me, but when does illness take into account our own preferences and convenience? i disagreed with her going to school for selfish reasons, and because i could not see the bigger picture. i thought that her doing what was right for the family without consulting me was a personal attack, so the resentment i felt shaped our relationship for years afterward. once again, because the problem was mine; had always been mine, it was not until i was humbled that i was able to see my mom for the amazing, self-less and beautiful woman she was once more. i was able to recall the amazing cook she once was, back when she had time to spend in the kitchen. the beautiful blankets, wall hangings, clothes she could craft with her bare hands, back when she had personal time to relax. i was able to remember all of our trips she took us on, the singing in the car, the constant support she was, even when the last thing i deserved was support. i was able to recall my mom, the super woman. and i haven't looked back yet!

a second of your time

describe three legitimate fears and explain how they became fears

ok, first of all, i did not really anticipate having a problem writing about all this stuff online. in fact, i did not really read the list before this moment. but, i am determined to write, so write i will, i guess...


my first fear is definitely my most feared. the fear of dying alone. i have always feared this, i don't know if i can really pinpoint the moment it became a fear. i think we as a society fear this, or we at least marginalize those that we see as having suffered this (think the cat lady, the spinster, the bag lady, the creepy old bachelor)


another fear is one that i am slowly, slowly overcoming. (though any progress is easily undone by watching a horror movie) the fear of the dark. when i was younger, i was terrified of the dark. i had to sleep with my door closed, in case something bad was in the hallway (because we all know how well a flimsy interior door without a lock fares against a villain) and i could not dangle my feet off the bed before something horrible under my bed grabbed them (the act of being on top of the bed is a very strong deterrent) i could not walk outside without the lights on, and even then, i could not look off into the distance, where the lights did not shine. (somehow, it made sense that not letting the evil beings in the dark know i could feel their presence protected me from them. we all know that naivete = protection!


i have a fear of open water. i don't like not being able to see or touch the bottom of the water i am in. i guess it is really an irrational fear of sharks or mermaids or human-eating giant squid or some other sort of water monster that is the problem. i love to swim in lakes, but you will not find me going farther than i can touch without panicking. i love to swim in the ocean, but you will not find me going farther than i can touch/see without panicking. i guess growing up, hearing stories about my uncle who was swimming to shore from miles out and was eventually eaten by sharks is the basis of this fear. i know that the numbers are astronomical that i would ever be attacked by sharks (i myself have been swimming a ridiculous amount of times and never even seen a shark) but i am still terrified of the possibility.

5 years is a long time...

 well, today is july 1, 2012. in just a few short weeks, it will be the 5th anniversary of this blog. in the past 5 years, i have written 183 posts. that is about 3 posts per month for the 60 months i've been at this. a few months ago, my brother decided to do some getting to know you type posts. i liked the idea, but let it die at liking it until today. today, with the help of one of my oldest friends channey, i decided to take the plunge. my goal is to get all 30 of these posts in before july 26th, my official blogiversary. what do i get for this feat? probably nothing. what do you get? lots of moments of t.m.i. and 10 times as many posts as my average for this month :)


here are the 30 questions, followed by my 20 random facts :)

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for?

ok, 20 random facts:

1. i have a new-found love of trek. a.k.a. hiking in the wilderness with a huge 70+ pound pack, sleeping under the stars and enjoying nature. 
2. i love to blog stalk people. people i know, people i don't, people who have interesting posts, you name it, i love to blog stalk it.
3. i have owned 3 computers in the last 5 years. 
4. i own two cars, neither of which are currently running
5. i have dreams of becoming a linguist. languages come easily to me, i think i just am very able to hear nuances in pronunciations. 
6. i love renew lotion (it's from melaleuca. it is seriously amazing)
7. i never thought of the nickname la2 until i was like 19. even then, other people thought of it for me. 
8. sometimes i like to make up a pattern or just start cutting to sew an item i randomly decide to try. besides my usually crooked sewing (on a machine, go figure) it usually turns out pretty well.
9. once on a handcart/pioneer trek (you know, the kind where they bus you out to martin's cove and set you loose for a week, all the time wearing pioneer clothing and trying to envision our ancestor's struggles) the family i was with fashioned me a harness to go out in front of the handcart and pull. one might say much like you make a harness for an ox to pull your wagon
10. i am a pack rat of sorts. i tend to collect junk until it overwhelms my ocd, then i trash it all. 
11. i love me some orange julius
12. i have allergies that i did not discover until i was like 21. this year they sucked. like really bad. i think all the stupid fires were not helping, either.
13. i feel claustrophobic with socks on while i sleep
14. i tried marmalade for the first time in england and LOVED it!
15. i have traveled to three continents and i plan on seeing all the rest before i die
16. i have a will written out.
17. i once wrote out the funeral i wanted to have, including speakers, topics, songs, etc.
18. my ears have been pierced since i was an infant, and they really do not close, no matter how long i go without earrings
19. i had sinus surgery once, where they stuck enormous picks/rods up my nose. they looked like egyptian brain scramblers. they drilled holes in my sinuses to allow them to drain more easily
20. i am in charge of burning cds for the girls at work. when i got the assignment, i had to look up how to burn cds. it had been years since i burned a cd.

trek on

years ago, i got super good advice from my uncle darl. he told me something along the lines of if i did not take pictures, no one would believe i'd been there/done that. i hear his voice telling me that constantly, and it is so true. journals and books and family histories are really only awesome when they have a photograph accompanying it.

a few months ago, i went on a 4 day trek with my work. it was awesome, i really loved it. it was great to get out in nature, prove to myself that i can survive on necessities, and prove that i can do hard stuff (omg, my backpack was enormous, and we hiked miles and miles)  well, tomorrow (or technically today) i am going on trek again! it is with another program from the company i work with. i really don't know much about what or where or who i am going with, but i know there was an emergency and i need to fill in for the next three days.

the idea of going on trek is exciting, i am excited to go out in the wilderness and just be one with it! the idea of not knowing details is scary, and the fact that i am wide awake at 3 am is terrifying, i only have 5 hours until i leave! i should be sleeping!!

anywho, the point of this post is more than to freak out about trek coming up. it's kinda a catch up post. i know it has been months since i posted, and the knowledge that i am so behind on my life is stressful. so, i will fill the internet in on the biggies :)

i went on trek, but i have no photographic evidence, so feel free to not believe me.
i became a supervisor at work.
i am coming to terms with the fact that my synthroid (wow, long story, but when i was in high school i had to radiate my thyroid and kill it off because it was working way too hard and damaging my heart, now i take hormone replacements for my non-existent thyroid) basically makes me allergic to the sun. i get nasty sun/water blisters all over. nope, no pictures of those either. call me a liar all you want.
i turned 26. wow. i am officially on the downward side of my 20s.
i went to england, scotland, wales and france. that needs a post of its own. or two or three. one of these days (surprise! i have pics of this one!)
my grandpa is going to be the grand marshal of the malad 4th of july parade
the 5 year anniversary of this blog is coming up way too fast.
i have not been to malad in months and months
i discovered a weird love for swimming in utah lake (don't judge. it's not as gross as the stereotype would have you believe)
i am filling in these spots with useless chatter to create the illusion there is lots more going on in my life.

sadly, that is not the case, haha. anyways, i am going to go and try to sleep, i have 4.5 hours until trek! and i am taking my phone on this one, maybe i will actually document it! proof, suckas!!