thirteen, an official teenager

describe 5 weaknesses you have

wow, i really don't like this question. i guess maybe cause i have way more than 5 weaknesses. maybe because i like to pretend i have none :)

one weakness i am seriously struggling with lately and only understanding a bit is the fairness fallacy. it's basically the belief that the world is orderly and fair. or, that the fairness in the world should follow my own perception of fairness or equality. as we all know the world does not and will not ever. my struggle is convincing myself to let it go. i cannot control it! i want to do a better job of balancing my expectations without losing hope. i want to always keep my hope. but it's hard to distinguish between hope and expectations for me!

sunk cost bias. oh my goodness, my life literally changed the day i read the linked article. i love the quote "don't throw your valuable resources down a hole just cause you dug one". i get sucked into this all the time, using stuff that is already spent and gone (time, money, effort, etc) to manipulate myself or guilt myself into doing stuff i don't want to do. it is so hard for me to not fall into this mind trap. it seems like all my decisions are skewed by the emotional "investments" that i make, and then expect fair returns from (sound familiar??) i am all sorts of crazy!

another weakness of mine is food. man alive, i love the stuff, and the stuff loves me (or maybe not, haha) i love food, and for a long time my most effective coping skill was eating. i am trying hard to change that, but i am pretty sure it will always be a weakness for me.

in the willpower race, i tend to be a sprinter, not a distance runner. i run out of willpower at the most inopportune and inconvenient moments.willpower is mos def a weakness of mine.

wow, four down and i am stuck. never mind, i am not stuck. i am a poor listener. i interrupt all the time and interject personal stories (i just think i am really clever!) (wow, i just interrupted myself, haha) rather than let people finish their sentences. i am working on this one a lot. hopefully the world will be fair and let my work pay off :)

twelve noon or midnight?

describe a typical day in your current life. 

wow, this is kind of a hard question. i have about three typical days right now; days i work a morning shift, days i work an afternoon shift, and days that i do not work.

i guess the best thing is to just jump on in!

when i work at 6 am here is how my day goes:
4:30am wake up, panicking that i am late for work. making out the time on the clock is impossible with my dark-adjusted, puffy eyes, so i reach for my phone. of course, it is plugged in as far away as possible so that i am forced to get out of bed to turn off my alarm. i check the time and relieved, lay back down with my phone. don't ask me why, i am just reporting how my day usually goes.

5:52am wake up, faintly hearing a noise. realize in a panic it is my phone alarm, muffled because i am laying on top of it. jump out of bed, throw clothes on and take off to work with a toothbrush in my mouth. i will go to the bathroom at work.

6:07am arrive at work, sputtering some excuse and apology for being late. nightwatch grunts a reply and leaves. i sit down and my heart starts to calm down. i made it, and not too late, so all is well.

depending on the day of the week, i will spend a few hours playing on the computer or typing emails or with a house full of teenagers, awake and not too happy about it.

the next 8 or so hours vary. sometimes, we head to a llama farm, sometimes we go do service, sometimes we hang out around the house, sometimes we clean, sometimes we go to na meetings, sometimes we go to church. we basically do what we want ;)

2pm it is time for me to be done with work, but this is precisely the time i realize all the things on my to-do list are going to take longer than i expected. 

2:30pm get all my stuff done and leave work.

2:34pm arrive home and wonder how it only takes 4 minutes to get home in the afternoon with traffic, but 7 to get to work on empty streets in the morning. vow to time each route to determine the most efficient one....tomorrow :)

wow, this is a lot more labor intensive than i thought. i am done going hour by hour. suffice it to say that i never wake up earlier than i absolutely have to, and i have a hard time being productive on days that i work, during the hours that i do not work (after working 6-2, i just want to sleep and be lazy. before working 2-10, i just want to sleep and be lazy :) thus, my most productive days are the days i have off, when i am ok with the notion of getting up and at 'em at 10 or 11 :)

eleventy-first birthdays

describe 10 pet peeves you have

wow, this question could end up being a pandora's box... a lot of things annoy we. we have discussed before how bratty i am. i guess pet peeves go a bit deeper, though.

1. i hate it when people cut in front of me when driving and then slow down. you seemed in such a hurry, why the wait now?
2. along those same lines, i cannot stand people who match my speed when i am trying to pass them and then slow back down when i give up and get behind them. there is a special corner in hell reserved for people who do this,
3. i hate it when people think they know my life. it really annoys me when people make assumptions about my intentions or thoughts. if you are wondering, ask me. i will let you know what i am thinking and what my intentions are. you might not like them, but it will be the truth, not some ridiculous assumption. 
4. people who do not rinse their dishes immediately after they use them. don't think this is a huge deal? try washing a sink full of stuck on, baked on food and you will understand. 
5. people who read over my shoulder and then ask me questions about it. most of the time, i could not care less whether you read over my shoulder. it happens. i get that people are nosy. but to ask me questions about the email i am typing or the article i am reading?? seriously, how annoying! at least try to be sneaky about your nosiness.
6. i cannot stand smelling other people's burps and farts. yeah, it is a bodily process, but really. no one wants to smell what you had for lunch or the decomposed remains of your dinner last night. 
7. sitting in pee on the toilet seat (do anyone else's nephews constantly do this??) i don't think i even need to explain this one.
8. having my personality or behaviors justified or explained away by my religion, race, upbringing, gender, education, political affiliation or anything else. why can't people just accept that i am a human? why do they need some deeper reasoning for the things i do, especially when they rarely even affect others. i think it is a way of maintaining a sense of superiority, and i despise it. if you wanted to explain the reasoning behind the behaviors of those around you, become a psychologist. otherwise, well, you know. :)
9. too many chiefs and not enough squaws.. or some sort of saying like that! i guess this is less of a pet peeve, and more of something i have no ability to cope with. it is extremely overwhelming to try to do any task when surrounded by people who have differing opinions about how to do it. stop telling me how you would make/do it (which translates into how you think i should do/make it)! if you care so much, you can do it next time. until then, i know what i am doing; leave me be.
10. i hate when people pick apart a movie/book/tv show that i love. yeah, there will be inconsistencies and stupid plot points, but save your criticisms for shows/movies/books that i also hate :)

ten fingers, ten toes

describe your most embarrassing moment

this is a hard question for me. not because i don't have lots of embarrassing moments to choose from, but because i get over embarrassment very quickly. it is good for me, but bad for story time and any other time this question (inevitably) comes up. i am embarrassed often by being wrong. i am embarrassed by a lot of normal social situations. but, i honestly cannot recall a most embarrassing moment. maybe my friends or family could fill me in on one. :)

nine are mine

list 10 people who have influenced you and describe how

1. my grandma. she is the reason i know that kids should have fun childhoods. she is the reason i love the 4th of july so much. she is the reason i trudge through a lot of days. she is a lot of things. she was just always so full of life and fun and understood. she was amazing. plus, you know, she gave birth to the woman who birthed me. no biggie :)
2. my grandpa. from my youngest years, he learned that my stubbornness was not something to mess with. i learned to respect him, by his quiet strength and few words. i learned from him that a job worth doing is worth doing well, and i learned more than i care to learn about the sorrow of losing one's spouse. 
3. my grandma genevieve. i learned to love animals and all life. we were never allowed to kill any insect, animal or critter in her house. they were all to be left alone or gently taken outside. i learned that babies can feel your spirit, because she was the sweetest, purest woman i have ever met. any baby she held instantly quieted down and loved her. i never saw her raise her voice or get flustered over anything. she lived a quiet, simple, pure life and i so admire it. i learned the beauty of smile lines, wrinkles and hands deformed by age and arthritis from this sweet woman.
4. my grandma nellie. i learned that hard work is a lifestyle, not a chore. i learned that the key to living a long life is never letting yourself sit down until you're dead. i learned that, even in the midst of sorrow, you can still serve others, and by serving others, heal your own broken heart. i learned not to fear old age, that it does not always bring health concerns and memory loss.
5. my sister talia. i learned from her everything i know about being a sister, friend and daughter. when my parents would fight, she would take us to her room and give us makeovers or play games with us; she would take us on drives or outside. because of her, i was spared the trauma that could have come with seeing my parents fight. i was kept out of the drama. i learned how to be gracious and a good friend from her example. everything she did was cool, thus, if i am at all cool, it is because of her.
6. my dad's dad, vilisunia. i guess a lot of his influence could be seen as bad, but from him i learned the perils of holding a grudge and burning bridges with the people you love. i learned the sorrow that can attack years after a mistake you never make right. i learned what i hope to never do in my life. 
7. j.r.r. tolkien. this man created not just a book, but an entire world. he created deities, languages, histories, cultures, people and stories. he created a place that the teenaged me ran to in order to escape the horrors of my own world. he created a haven for me; a coping skill before i knew the term. a safe place before i knew i needed one. my teenaged self instinctively loved his world, and it is only recently that i am able to fully understand the depth of what that world meant to me. 
8. masey. that kid showed me the incredible power of faith and long suffering. he was dealt a hard card early in his life, but he did not get angry about it, and was patient with all of the horrible stuff that he had to do. all through it and to this day, he speaks of the power of the priesthood with such faith. it's hard to argue with the faith of a child who witnessed his own miraculous healing. 
9. my dad. he taught me about manners and hard work and life and the blessings of being born in the amazing country. he is not a citizen, yet he is the most informed and educated man i have ever met. 
10. my mamma. this list would not be complete without her on it. she raised me. everything i am is because of her. she taught me about sacrifice and love and beauty.

two times four equals eight

what are 5 passions you have?

i have a passion for my job right now. it sucks a lot of days, but i really love my job. i love the girls i work with. i love the staff i work with. i just love my job. so i stay.  i feel strongly that it is doing good in the world and in the girls lives. so i guess that is passion.

i have a passion for eating good food. (i also have a passion for eating mediocre food and a passion for eating my emotions)

i have a passion for my family. i don't even know if that makes sense, but my family is a huge driving force in my life, and i would not change that for the world.

i have a passion for travel. going to europe reminded me how much i love to travel and how important travel really is for my soul. i love it so much.

i have a passion for kids being kids. sometimes, my ocd kicks in and i get mad at my nieces and nephews for being too rowdy, but usually, that is followed quickly by me regretting it and letting them do it.

seventh heaven

what is your dream job, and why?

my dream job is such a hard question to answer. at one point, it was to be a full time nanny. i did that. at another it was a veterinarian. i realized i don't like to see animals suffer. at another point it was to be a nurse. i realized getting all the prerequisites suck. at a lot of points it was to be a lawyer. i realized that is a lot of school for a girl who can't stay enrolled for any meaningful amount of time.

i guess in all reality, my dream job would be a homemaker or a stay at home mom or just a mom. though, i like vili's answer. i would take being a kept woman too :)