red, white and kinda blue

well, this weekend was definitely red!  july 4th is not only the day we celebrate independence day. it's the day my sweet grandma made her entrance into this world. she would have been 75 this year. three-quarters of a century. my grandma's absolute favorite color was red. she adored it. every fall, she'd go into the mountains above her small town and take a picture in the red trees wearing red clothes. she was great at camouflage.

i spent the weekend in my grandpa's town, malad, idaho. it's my favorite town ever.  i love malad because they know how to throw a party!  this weekend, we had a salmon bake, bed races, s'mores, gorged ourselves with parade taffy, and watched a fireworks display gone wrong. then, we chased all that with a nice, relaxing and patriotic day at church.

this weekend was white because it's my favorite color of firework. they don't really make any true yellow fireworks, so i figure white is next best!  i adore malad, but it's nice to be home again.

being home makes me realize how blue i've been lately. i feel trapped. which is funny, because i am the least trapped i have ever been. i quit my job a few weeks ago, opening up a world of possibilities to me. the only problem is that now, i have no excuse to not be doing what i should.

i know that there is so much out there that i am meant to accomplish. thanks to modern-day revelation and my patriarchal blessing, i know what some of those things are. i am just struggling with the order and my own wants right now. i feel like i am in that split second where you can actually sit on a fence without getting hurt. the time is speeding toward me when i know i need to make a life-changing decision; i am just scared for that moment. any decision i make will change the path of my life, will switch up the status-quo.

the thought is killing me, it's stressing me out and making it hard for me to be a pleasant person. it feels like it's too much; i just want to store it away in the back of my mind and never deal with it. i know i can't do that, though. i've been trying and the only thing that happens is i get driven crazy, knowing i'm not being as proactive as i should.

it's times in my life like these that i really miss my grandma. my brother blogged about sneaking away to her grave to have a little chat with her. i used to sneak away on a walk and have chats with her, and i sneak away any time i'm in malad to have a talk with her. reading about my brother's secret trip it made me feel exposed. i thought i was the only person who found benefit in sitting above my grandma's mortal body and speaking to her tombstone. it shows me that i am not the only person who misses my grandma's advice. it was infallible and always well thought out. she did not give you advice you could not follow through on. she gave you loving, thoughtful advice. anyone who knew my grandma loved her. people who knew her well were completely devoted to her.

now, without her in my day-to-day life, i feel like a lost puppy. there is a yearning in me to do something different, but i lack any sense of direction. today, of all days, i feel red, white, and kinda blue.