44

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. -Mark Twain

well, i'm not a huge mark twain fan; i don't agree with a lot of the opinions he had, and i was never a fan of his books. however, i am a huge fan of this quote. it speaks to my soul.

i am a firm believer that all regrets are awful, but after reading this quote, i realize that my most painful regrets stem from things i've neglected to do, was too stubborn to do, or would not push myself to follow through on.

don't get my wrong; i have regrets from things i've done--my life has not been without bad choices--but i think that bad choices are a part of life. everyone screws up. it's incredibly easy to forgive yourself for bad choices once you realize the Lord forgave you long ago. it's much harder to forgive yourself for making a conscious choice not to act; to not do something you know you should.

there is no justification good enough, no excuse believable enough, to condone inaction.

in twenty years, i will be 44. what surprises will my 44th year of life bring me? will i be married? have children? have grandchildren on the horizon? will i remain in utah? will i have traveled the world? will i have chosen a career and been successful for years? will i continue my pattern of bouncing from profession to profession; never staying long enough to get bored? what type of person will i be? will i be surrounded by loved ones who enjoy my company and crave more or isolated from people who could possibly hurt me? these are all questions that run through my mind when i contemplate being 44.

when 24 was on the horizon for me, my life was filled with regrets; both of things i'd done, and things i hadn't. it's only been a few weeks, but at the time, bad choices i'd made occupied my mind and tore apart my confidence. it left no room to regret the things i'd never done. now that i am in a place where i can truly see the hand of the Lord and his great mercies, i am better placed to realize that my life is also full of regrets of things i did not do. how many times have i felt prompted to do something, but never followed through? how many people could have benefited from me following the promptings of the spirit or my own conscience?

i tend to shy away from action unless the outcome is certain. i do not like jumping into something without both eyes wide open. to avoid pain or embarrassment, i am willing to be complacent.

i am determined that the next twenty years of my life will not be filled with regrets from things i've never attempted; i would much rather screw up and regret that than never know where trying would have gotten me. 44 is gonna be such a great age!

A place of peace

When I was 18, I was rescued. Thanks in great part to the supplication of my sweet Grandma, I found respite. I was on a path that was not bright, and desperately needed space and time from my home. I had no direction and no motivation to do anything.

I spent four months on the island of Hawaii under the watchful and loving eyes of my aunt and uncle. I did not make my time there easy on them, but it was a turning point in my life. I learned the true meaning of earning a living. I learned what work ethic was. It was the time I learned about sacrifices and the selfish life I'd lived until that point. It was where I learned about education, and the first time I truly believed that I had the potential to receive a higher education. I gained tools to better my life, and the perspective to realize that bettering my own life only betters the lives of my children, who are yet to be born.

This is the view off my uncle's balcony; my peaceful place. The place I could sit and listen to the birds and the water. I could watch the ships come into the bay and would make up stories about the people disembarking. It seemed like none of the cares of the world could touch me here, which is good, because I desperately needed a place of respite.

It was here that I first realized the ocean calls to me. I feel a connection with the water, a connection that transcends any other I've felt. A connection that I am convinced generations of my ancestors also felt. I have always had a wandering spirit. I love to wander, to travel, to see things. Most of the reason is because I'm nosy. I like to know what's going on in this fascinating world around me. But I also believe it's part of my heritage. No matter where my wanderings take me, I am always drawn to the water. My dad was always wandering. He could never stay put. He traveled the world because we share the same curiosity. He saw amazing things, but always managed to stay close to the water.

Today in church, we learned about blessings, and how not all the blessings we receive are for our own benefit or because of our own righteousness, but rather for the sake of others. My dad was blessed in his many wanderings, I believe for his kids sake. How many countless generations of my ancestors were also blessed for my sake? They learned of the gospel and often did not have long to reap its blessings on this earth, but they laid the foundation for me to follow.

I am convinced that the time I spent at my uncle's house was more for the sake of my future children than myself. I want their lives to be more full and better than mine. That is the purpose of family, that each generation should improve upon the last. It is for the children I will one day have that I try. It is because of the generations before me that I have that opportunity.

Grandpa

this is my grandpa. i've posted this picture before, but i absolutely adore this picture of my grandpa. he doesn't like it; he says it makes him look like an old man, but it's the grandpa i always picture when i think of my grandpa. he's old, that's a given. it's hard to have grand kids and not be old, but he is also weathered. he's the most amazing man i've ever known. he is strong in the gospel and wise beyond his years. any time i want advice or need a sounding board, he's the guy i go to. i know the advice i get will transcend all my obsessions and drama, and be full of good old-fashioned common sense.

growing up, i spent a lot of time with my grandpa. not because i was just so pleasant to be around, but because i was constantly getting in trouble. we lived with my grandparents, and my grandma would watch us while our parents/grandpa were working. being the stubborn, bratty child i was, i clashed with my grandma quite a lot. it was a common thing that i would be sent to my grandpa's room when he got home, if only to give my sweet grandma some respite.

my siblings were terrified of being sent to grandpa. i am not sure what type of torture they thought he conducted, but i loved being sent to timeout with grandpa. my stubbornness didn't let me share their fear. i loved being sent to grandpa's room. it was the only room in the house with air conditioning, and we would usually just sit and watch cable (which was a bigger deal back then) while he took his nebulizer. i am not sure if i sometimes acted up just to get sent there on a hot day, but i think i'll plead the fifth for now...

i remember (and even if i didn't, people tell me this story all the time) the first time i stood up to my grandpa. my brother had ripped a drawing i was making, so i stole his drawing (i may have ripped it and was supposed to say sorry... one or the other!). i felt completely validated in doing so, but grandpa told me to give it back to my brother. i refused, and grandpa balked for a second. in his line of work, he was rather used to being obeyed, and used to the obedience following him home. well, it didn't that day, and we had a regular stare down; where we both refused to give in. my stubbornness finally bested his, and i went down in family legend history as the only child to ever stand up to grandpa. :)

this weathered, wise old man is the yard stick to which all men are judged in my mind. he loves his family fiercely and is the best grandpa a girl could ask for. as his birthday approaches, i am nothing but grateful that he is a part of my life. i am not sure what i'd do without him, i love him so much!

Thanks for always being there, Grandpa! I love you so much!!

o that i were an angel

note: at a baby shower on saturday, my auntie told me that i don't have enough pictures on my blog, so here is one (um, i may or may not have stolen it from my sister's blog....) of my nephews and the princess/the moving mess at my sister's house.

yeah, the shift key is still broken, and i don't care enough to fix it or worry about capitals. this may become a pattern. i like the freedom of straight typing without any capitals. anywho, i am officially 24. i think it's gonna be a good number, my birthday was super uneventful, but a really good day.

it started out at about midnight, when i was going for a jog with a friend. we were supposed to meet two other friends there, and decided to hide in some bushes to scare them when they came. bad idea when it turns out they were waiting at the cars to surprise us with silly string and birthday glitter :) eventually, we got it and each pulled off our plans, but it was entertaining getting there. note for the wise: when hiding for long periods of time in bushes, you might want to take seriously the fact that your face is itchy, shower pretty soon after, and wash the clothes you were in...

then, i basically went sleep for a while, went to church, ate dinner, ate cake and ice cream, went to see my sister's brand new (i guess just new to them) house, and then came home and watched some tv. non-eventful, but a great day.

i have decided recently that i need to read the book of mormon before conference. i actually came up with a chart of how many chapters i needed to read each day, mostly because i obsess about crap like that. i gave myself 15 days to do it, which left about another 15 in case i got behind. it was good logic, because it's really hard to read 15 chapters of the bom on days i work. either way, i can see the difference it is making in my life already. it forces me to at least have the spirit for a few hours every day, which is more than i was doing before.

i feel like alma, who said 'o that i were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that i might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth and cry repentance unto every people!' (alma 29:1) now that i have decided that having the Lord's presence in my life daily is something that is important to me, i've become annoying about it to everyone else. i'm not sure there is any kind of solution, because i feel so different these past few weeks.

i am scheduled to work 5 shifts the rest of the month of march, and i cannot even express how excited i am about it!! i thought all my time off was limited to march until i realized i have the first friday-sunday off in april, and then i will be in hawaii from the 7th-14th. that means that i am working a total of 7 days in the next 5 weeks. i might complain when i get my paycheck, but i am so glad i don't have to work!

on another note, i have begun to practice/play rugby with a women's team in provo. it's kicking my trash, because lets be honest, i am not by any means in shape or skinny, but it's a lot of fun, and i am excited!