44

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. -Mark Twain

well, i'm not a huge mark twain fan; i don't agree with a lot of the opinions he had, and i was never a fan of his books. however, i am a huge fan of this quote. it speaks to my soul.

i am a firm believer that all regrets are awful, but after reading this quote, i realize that my most painful regrets stem from things i've neglected to do, was too stubborn to do, or would not push myself to follow through on.

don't get my wrong; i have regrets from things i've done--my life has not been without bad choices--but i think that bad choices are a part of life. everyone screws up. it's incredibly easy to forgive yourself for bad choices once you realize the Lord forgave you long ago. it's much harder to forgive yourself for making a conscious choice not to act; to not do something you know you should.

there is no justification good enough, no excuse believable enough, to condone inaction.

in twenty years, i will be 44. what surprises will my 44th year of life bring me? will i be married? have children? have grandchildren on the horizon? will i remain in utah? will i have traveled the world? will i have chosen a career and been successful for years? will i continue my pattern of bouncing from profession to profession; never staying long enough to get bored? what type of person will i be? will i be surrounded by loved ones who enjoy my company and crave more or isolated from people who could possibly hurt me? these are all questions that run through my mind when i contemplate being 44.

when 24 was on the horizon for me, my life was filled with regrets; both of things i'd done, and things i hadn't. it's only been a few weeks, but at the time, bad choices i'd made occupied my mind and tore apart my confidence. it left no room to regret the things i'd never done. now that i am in a place where i can truly see the hand of the Lord and his great mercies, i am better placed to realize that my life is also full of regrets of things i did not do. how many times have i felt prompted to do something, but never followed through? how many people could have benefited from me following the promptings of the spirit or my own conscience?

i tend to shy away from action unless the outcome is certain. i do not like jumping into something without both eyes wide open. to avoid pain or embarrassment, i am willing to be complacent.

i am determined that the next twenty years of my life will not be filled with regrets from things i've never attempted; i would much rather screw up and regret that than never know where trying would have gotten me. 44 is gonna be such a great age!