throw it all to the wind

after my last post, i realized the following might be helpful to post :)

when a major event in my life happens, i feel this urge to throw it out to the world. it is part of my processing. i just can't process things fully without making some sort of announcement, usually on my blog. maybe some would call me an attention whore, or an exhibitionist.

i don't think those terms really encompass it.

you see, i do it alone, too. sometimes, i will stress out about a conversation i had, or one i am dreading having, or a completely made up one. i obsess about it, and go over the conversation again and again in my head. after i've gone over it way too many times in my head, i will say it out loud. not very loud, just to myself, and usually just a line or two. i have to be careful if i am around other people; they usually think i am an idiot, or pester me to tell them "the rest" of the conversation. i rarely tell them, because that sounds even more crazy than just plain talking to myself.

it is not the act of people reading these thoughts that drives me to post them on my blog. it is the ability to do so that intrigues me. if no one read my blog (and who knows, they might not) i am not sure i would care much. if i was not able to post my thoughts to the world, though. that would be a different story. maybe i'm just another in that group of adolescents/young adults (like how i called myself young? haha) that thinks the world should be enthralled with my every thought and deed. maybe i'm just a little crazy. maybe it doesn't matter much either way. 

this post is a good example of me obsessing about things and needing to throw them out to the universe. i am posting this on my private blog for now, but i know there will come a time when i post it on my public blog. there is just not enough exposure for me to feel validated when i post it on my private blog. in fact, a lot of my blog posts start out as private posts, and get moved over to the public's eye. now you're all going to wonder which posts i did not initially deem appropriate for the public. sorry. beyond this one, i am not sure you'll ever know!

i don't know what it is. i am sure a psychologist would have a heyday diagnosing all my many issues. i just want to embrace the crazy for now!

lakes and coconut trees

well, at the moment, my dad is stranded in the middle of one of utah lake's marshes. out of gas, cold, and waiting for search and rescue to find him. i really don't know the rest of the story. i just know that my mom got a call from him earlier this afternoon, and she, sila and darl have spent the rest of the day/night trying to find him. i am really hoping that search and rescue is able to locate him; i never thought my father would be the next story of a lost/stranded boater on utah lake.

hopefully, this will turn out like the time he decided to climb a coconut tree for us kids (with a good story)

a long time ago, (i really don't know. probably before i was born) my dad decided to show us kids that he could put on his own pcc show by climbing a coconut tree. he thought the icing on the cake would be carrying a machete up with him and cutting some coconuts down. just like when he was a kid. well, climb he did. just like he was a kid. i am sure it was awesome to watch. once at the top, he proceeded to cut down all of the coconuts from the tree. it was not long before someone realized that dad was not climbing back down like we thought he would. well, it turns out he was stuck. he had climbed up easily enough, but did not remember/know how to get down. the story ends with the fire department having to bring a truck out and pull him out of the tree. not quite the perfect end to his heroic stunt, right? well, it is a great story.

here's to hoping that this newest stunt will result in another great story, rather than anything more serious!

sunday will come

as easter approaches, i have been thinking a lot about my Savior. about the sacrifice and love and power of his atonement. i was reading the blog of a sweet little cancer fighter, elena. in it, her mother mentioned something that has stuck with me for the past few days. (i think her mom might have even been quoting another family member) but, she said that she has realized that the Lord is serious about testing us in this life. like elena's mom, that prase seemed so simple to me at first. it was not until i thought about it more that i realized the depth of that analysis. life would not be a test if it were easy. i doubt that i would want the rewards that come from a sorrow-less life. it is only through the refiner's fire that we can reach our true potential.

that being said, often, i wish that life could be more simple. i wish that instead of constantly being faced with tiny tests of faith, i could face one big one and get it over with. i feel like i would easily pass an obvious test; someone holding a gun to my head and ordering me to deny my faith. the tests i struggle more with are the small ones; the ones that use the flaxen cord satan is so fond of. those are the ones that trip me up, the ones that i have to be paying close attention to notice. i suppose that is where the seriousness of the Lord's test is. not only because of the eternal consequences it holds, but also because he has tailor-made this test for me. the Lord knows that i could easily and without much effort, pass a huge, obvious test. the things that i struggle with are smaller, more vague issues. thus, the test that is my life, is filled with them.

a few (ok, so like 5) years ago, elder wirthlin gave a talk titled sunday will come. i loved it when i first heard it, and was so glad when a mormonmessage was posted featuring that talk. in the talk, elder wirthlin speaks of the friday that Christ was crucified as the darkest day in the history of the world. however, that dark friday was followed by the sunday in which Christ was resurrected. all the brightness and light that resurrection brought with it were poured out to the world. in one weekend, we saw the greatest sorrow possible, but also the greatest joy. we could not have seen one without the other. here's an exerpt from elder wirthlin's talk:

each of us will have our own fridays, those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. we will all experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. we will all have our fridays.but i testify in the name of the one who conquered death, sunday will come...no matter how dark our friday, sunday will come.

i was a dramatic, emotional teenager. i am not sure i am much changed now as an adult. the thing that stands out to me most is that many of the fridays i experienced as a youth seem so insignificant now. they seem almost comical and simple. even my more recent fridays feel dramatized. it is hard to fully remember those emotionsl; i am gladly removed from them. i can say, though, that having truly felt a friday, i know that sunday will always come. whether in this life or the next, it will come. what wonderful, hopeful news!

in other news, i went to orlando!! and pene has posted some pictures on masey's blog. head over there for an update! (unless you are bitter that, while it snowed here in Utah, florida was 78-90 the whole time)