almost 4 down...

well, it's almost been 4 years since i started this blog (i guess 3.5 is more accurate) i started it just after my grandma died. i desperately wanted an outlet, and physically writing was way too much effort :)  so, i decided to keep an online journal/blog.

this past weekend, talia gave me a journal i got at girls camp in 2007. i wrote a few entries at camp, but most interesting to me was the last entry i wrote. it was dated july 24, 2007. the day after i wrote this journal entry, my dear grandma would lose her battle with leukemia. interjections from me today will be in purple, because i am very fond of interrupting myself :)

before i start, though, here's a picture for those of you who don't want to read on :) it's of my daddy, me, and my sisters back in 2004. i've never seen this picture before, but i looove it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well, maybe i'll finish about girls camp later, but now i really want to write. i've decided that writing is an escape for me, my thoughts, and just everything. sometimes just out of nowhere, i get a really strong desire to write. today, on pioneer day, we (mom, dad, pene, mase & darl) went to ogden to see grandma. we found out that grandma's decided that she will not be taking any more transfusions, or treatments. it makes me so sad & it has not even set in all the way. it's surreal, life without my grandma. i honestly cannot imagine it. she's been such a constant in my life, no matter where, who or what. she raised me, cared for me, loved me & was always there with advice, love and concern. i felt more like she was my mom more than anyone else in the world besides my mom. until tomorrow, when grandpa decides where grandma's going, i am going to write some of my favorite memories (of grandma)

singing burrump went the little green frog, hickory dickory cranery crow and froggy froggy how are you?
shirley temple movies
graham crackers & frosting sandwiches for summer fun (a summer program) in our own personal little coolers
2nd grade, when i changed my bangs and smiled retarded in my school pictures (both things grandma had told me not to do over and over the morning of pictures. i was pretty sure i was real cute. turns out, i was cute enough to not even buy pictures that year :)
stopping at foodland and then eating lunchables on a huge log while grandpa did work at scout camp
the newsletter weekly (grandma wrote sporadically her last few months)
grandma waking us up with the piano
playing church music on the black stereo every sunday
how beautiful she is
her hassell blue eyes (my grandma had the most striking blue eyes. in fact, so did every one of her siblings and most of their kids. we call them hassell blue after her family)
going to bluewater (a tiny town...actually, it's technically a village, in new mexico where we're basically related to everyone and my grandma grew up)
her patience
her teaching pene to read with the book of mormon (she would have pene look for and highlight specific words during sacrament and at home-Lord, and, thus, etc)
her blue, cool room in hawaii (her bedroom was the only room in the house that had an air conditioner. it was always so wonderfully cold in there)
the tree house (their house had the most amazing tree house with three floors. it was built into a huge tree on a hillside. i fell out of the second story once. it was awesome.)
the convertible (she had a convertible because she was just that cool. in fact, most of their cars were awesome. i remember marveling at how rich they were b/c their car had shoulder belts in the back seat)
going to savers and garage sales
her 800 number (to make sure her family could always talk to her whenever they wanted [and without paying long distance charges] she got an 800 number. i don't even remember when. for as long as i remember. we could call grandma any time, any place and chat it up with her, complain about how unfair something was, or just check in.)
putting dolls on timeout/taking them away (she would take our dollies away when we were mean to them. she'd tell us cps came and got them. only when we could prove we would be good parents would she give them back)

there are so many other things i love so much about her but i'll stop for now. mostly, i just love her. i love her shining points & her short comings. i love everything about her. she's had such an overwhelming influence on my life. i cannot imagine it now, but i know that the Lord is in control. as hard as it is to think, this is part of his plan. my life will continue to go on, with or without grandma. it will never be the same, and i know it is going to be so hard to say goodbye & let her go, but in the end, i know that it is not the end, just a pause on our relationship. as hard as my grandma's death will be, i absolutely know that families are forever. on that hopeful thought, i am going to go! (me too :)