Thursday, September 13, 2012


so, i posted 30 posts in july. then i posted zero posts in august. now, it's almost halfway through september and this post makes my count one. not bad, i think! 

i have been thinking a lot lately about my life. for most of my life, any time i would sit down and assess, i would get super discouraged. i would get frustrated that things are not going according to "plan" or angry that i am not where i "thought i'd to be", or disappointed that i am not doing what i "should". no matter what the specific frustration, the discovery i make is the same: i am in no way content with my life. in fact, usually it goes beyond not being content, and falls into i hate my life territory.

the other day, i was hanging out with a friend (shocking that i did that, i know) and talking about changes she is making in her life, ways she is finding to get to where she wants to be in life. that made me think about what changes i want to make in my life, too. i am realizing that i have very high expectations for myself. not only that, i punish myself a lot when i do not meet those expectations.

it is becoming more apparent to me that my life has been like a broken record. i set an unattainable expectation for myself. i do not attain it (duh). i beat myself up. i set an even higher expectation, or i give up altogether. rinse and repeat. the only change is the specific expectation. the formula never changes. rather than stay stuck in this ridiculous cycle, i have decided to change it. i don't like beating myself up for doing something that, in anyone else, i would recognize as unattainable. i don't like seeing myself as a failure when i make mistakes or fall short. i am rambling, i know, but that is ok with me right now. i just need to spit out all of what is in my head. otherwise, it will drive me crazy. do you ever feel that way? like you just need to spit everything out? just throw it out to the world? just get it out of your head?

one thing i also realized after talking to my friend was that my life has been incredibly blessed. i have had the opportunity to have amazing jobs, to work with all sorts of people. i have had the chance to travel; something that is out of reach for a lot of people in the world. i have the opportunity to have a family and a home; to have a support system and cheerleaders. i have a job that i adore right now. i have a body that allows me movement and the ability to accomplish anything i need to do. i have teeth that have held up pretty well for not being to a dentist in years. i have modern medicine that allows me a metabolism (did you know that in high school, my thyroid was 3x normal size, and the medications they gave me to slow it down did not help. thus, my heart was also working 3x normal, and would eventually kill me. so, i had to have radiation on my thyroid to kill it. now, i take hormone replacements for my missing thyroid) i have the gospel in my life (even though that is one huge area where i am hardest on myself when i am not perfect) i have the skills and help to overcome the bouts of depression that has plagued my life for as long as i knew what it was. i have a car to get me where i need to go, and a bus system that can take me most places if i need. i could go on and on. i could type all day, but i think i have proven my point.

i live a charmed life. maybe outsiders don't see it that way. maybe they do. but, i am realizing more and more that it is true. i know that this knowledge is relatively new. i know that right now, my life is like a pendulum and i have swung to the far side; to the happy side. because it's a pendulum, i am sure that i will make my way back to the other side; the sad side. but, i also know that there will be a huge period in the middle where i am neither extremely happy nor extremely sad. the part where i can just be content.