Monday, February 4, 2008

My addiction

Well, if my work would let me, I would constantly work 80 hour weeks. It is my vice and my addiction. I work almost that much as it is (65-70 hours, usually) and any time someone asks why, I say that I need the money and leave it at that. Lately, I've been wondering for myself why I constantly work that often. I do not necessarily save loads of money (even though I know I should) I don't have tons of huge bills to be paid. I'm really very good at my job, but my family is convinced I am working myself to death.

The reason I have come up with is that I am, in some weird way, trying to avoid my life through an addiction to work. Work is stressful, exhausting, and incredibly draining. Life can be rewarding, fun, happy (and is, when I have a random shift or day off) It should be an easy choice between the two, but I have chosen the unlikely option.

I think the reason is that, while work is stressful, draining, exhausting, it is work. I do not need to take responsibility for any of it. If something goes wrong, I can write it off in my conscience, and when my shift is over, return to life. Life, on the other hand, is wonderful, and I quite enjoy it, but when something goes wrong, there is no one BUT me to take responsibility. The only place to run to is work. I think this is why I choose to work constantly, with only short spurts of life thrown in. I would rather give up any happiness I could gain from life in order to avoid the possibility of sadness. I guess I am a fair-weather life liver. If I can't have all happiness, I'd rather not have any.

I've tried to convince myself that this is an absolutely normal and healthy outlook, but now that the prospect of three full days off from work staring me in the face, I am terrified. I feel almost like a junkie who has just been thrown into the drunk tank, suddenly faced with the prospect of an entire weekend spent detoxing and sober. There will be no work to numb the impact of life for me, and the thought panics me more than I can describe.

I have no idea what the next few days have in store for me (and the thought is scary), but I am really excited to find out. (and absolutely determined to use self-control and NOT go into work early)


pamelasue said...

Wow Latu, that was quite an insightful blog. Stop working so hard and enjoy life....I love ya.

I'm the Mommy, that's why! said...

So Latu - Is it life your hiding from, or just babysitting for me? J/K :0) If it isn't my kids, maybe you want to hide from life a little more this weekend and babysit for me? Wouldn't want you getting to comfortable with all that freedom! Just kidding. Have a wonderful 3 days off. And when you feel like it, give life another try. And, you know you could come visit me once in a while!! Love you! :0)