time

well, today is the three-year mark. it's the day that marks three years since my grandma's passing.

today, of all days, i miss her a lot. yesterday, my rugby team won the national tongan american society's womens tournament. it feels like we won the world, but i am sure the world doesn't even know the difference. it was a fun weekend, but i was not able to completely erase the memory from my mind. my grandma would absolutely adore that i play rugby. it would be in the newsletter constantly.

my grandma wrote a newsletter weekly. it was called meanwhile, back at the ranch. she began writing it for her kids and their families, but it soon spread because so many people enjoyed reading it. by the time she passed, grandma was writing to all sorts of people, family and friends. she would report on her family, if there was anything noteworthy (or even worth mentioning) going on, she would put in in there. she always had fun titles for sections and pretty pictures.

i lived for that newsletter. i think that is one thing that i miss the most. that newsletter, or the lady behind it, was a huge part of the glue that bonded us as a family. we were always kept abreast of the family's business. we knew when a baby blessing or baby were coming up, what activities had been going on, who stopped by to see grandma, and what her moods were like. toward the end, we became experts on the chemotherapy treatments she was undergoing. we all joined her in a diet that was destined to save her from imminent death from leukemia.

that newsletter kept us all together. it kept the family functions often and close together. that newsletter came to represent all that grandma was. it was a source of information, a resource, and most importantly, a bond. when she passed away, so did the newsletter. sometimes, i still catch myself thinking "i should tell grandma so she can put this in the newsletter" or more often, "i don't want this making it into the newsletter" it's a nice game to play, imagining what information grandma would include in a newsletter written today. would she tell us about my small brother playing the uke? my little cousin going camping? my rugby? for sure, she'd write about the family that gathered in idaho this weekend. she'd have so much to say.

the truth of the matter is that i think i am trying to re-create that newsletter--on a smaller scale--with this blog. i have so many thoughts and feelings, i want to share them with people, but more than that, i want them to be out there. i want them said.

i'm good

almost a year ago, i met a lady about an internship. i won't tell you where, or really even when, because it doesn't matter. i did not take the internship. for this post, we'll call her jane. what does matter is that in a completely unexpected conversation, jane disclosed a lot of personal information about her life. she told me of mistakes she had made in her life. some were trivial, some shocking. after sharing basically her entire life story, i thought i would sense shame in her body language, a sign that she had many regrets from these poor decisions she had shared with me.

jane showed none of that. instead, her eyes met mine, and she declared "i know i'm good with the Lord, and that's all that matters now"  this complete stranger, who in one hour had shared her deepest secrets, was completely confident in her place in this life, but more importantly, in eternity.

i was taken aback. at the time, i was not sure where i stood with the Lord. here was a lady, who from my perspective, had done horrible things. yet, she was more sure about her salvation than i. jane did not grow up knowing about the gospel. she did not graduate from seminary and was not baptized as a child. i had been given so many more tangible blessings early on in life, yet i envied that stranger.

i have not seen or even spoken to jane since that day, which is good, cause it was an odd conversation. but, her words have stuck in my mind. they were truly a catalyst for change in my life. i had no enormous sins to repent for, i doubted that any lightening strikes were headed my way. but, i wanted to feel that confidence i had seen in her. i wanted to be sure of my place in eternity. i realized that where you have been matters not at all if you are where you should be.

i am far from a perfect person, but the person i am today is a hundred times closer to being where i want to be. i credit jane for a lot of it. she did not force me to change; didn't even suggest it. but, because of the confidence she had, i did change. i wish i had the courage to tell "jane" in person:

thank you.

red, white and kinda blue

well, this weekend was definitely red!  july 4th is not only the day we celebrate independence day. it's the day my sweet grandma made her entrance into this world. she would have been 75 this year. three-quarters of a century. my grandma's absolute favorite color was red. she adored it. every fall, she'd go into the mountains above her small town and take a picture in the red trees wearing red clothes. she was great at camouflage.

i spent the weekend in my grandpa's town, malad, idaho. it's my favorite town ever.  i love malad because they know how to throw a party!  this weekend, we had a salmon bake, bed races, s'mores, gorged ourselves with parade taffy, and watched a fireworks display gone wrong. then, we chased all that with a nice, relaxing and patriotic day at church.

this weekend was white because it's my favorite color of firework. they don't really make any true yellow fireworks, so i figure white is next best!  i adore malad, but it's nice to be home again.

being home makes me realize how blue i've been lately. i feel trapped. which is funny, because i am the least trapped i have ever been. i quit my job a few weeks ago, opening up a world of possibilities to me. the only problem is that now, i have no excuse to not be doing what i should.

i know that there is so much out there that i am meant to accomplish. thanks to modern-day revelation and my patriarchal blessing, i know what some of those things are. i am just struggling with the order and my own wants right now. i feel like i am in that split second where you can actually sit on a fence without getting hurt. the time is speeding toward me when i know i need to make a life-changing decision; i am just scared for that moment. any decision i make will change the path of my life, will switch up the status-quo.

the thought is killing me, it's stressing me out and making it hard for me to be a pleasant person. it feels like it's too much; i just want to store it away in the back of my mind and never deal with it. i know i can't do that, though. i've been trying and the only thing that happens is i get driven crazy, knowing i'm not being as proactive as i should.

it's times in my life like these that i really miss my grandma. my brother blogged about sneaking away to her grave to have a little chat with her. i used to sneak away on a walk and have chats with her, and i sneak away any time i'm in malad to have a talk with her. reading about my brother's secret trip it made me feel exposed. i thought i was the only person who found benefit in sitting above my grandma's mortal body and speaking to her tombstone. it shows me that i am not the only person who misses my grandma's advice. it was infallible and always well thought out. she did not give you advice you could not follow through on. she gave you loving, thoughtful advice. anyone who knew my grandma loved her. people who knew her well were completely devoted to her.

now, without her in my day-to-day life, i feel like a lost puppy. there is a yearning in me to do something different, but i lack any sense of direction. today, of all days, i feel red, white, and kinda blue.

sweetness

this sweet boy is my all-time favorite baby. of all my nephews, he's the most easy-going. he's the nicest baby we've ever had in my family. he's named for my oldest brother, and has his same sweet, easy-going personality.  

yesterday, baby and i had a photo shoot all of our own. he cooperated, smiled, and was a perfect subject. in this shot though, he needed a break. just for a minute before he was back up and smiling again. it's a pretty tough job being so adorable!

fathers

well, i posted about my two favorite fathers, my dad here and here and my grandpa here. if you want to know what i think about them, or why i love them, go ahead and read. but, today is both my mama's birthday (post on her here) and father's day. the father i want to talk about today is a future father. here he is:

this is my baby brother. he's my favorite future father, and for sure one of my favorite all time people. this kid is thoughtful and caring, but he is mostly just all-around a nice kid.

this past mother's day found me playing the role of the spinster--the only female in my family who has yet to provide progeny to the family line. i spent the day throwing myself a pity party. this kid spent the morning  making sure to bring me  breakfast in bed.

no matter what the occasion, my baby brother is thoughtful and kind. he is the voice of reason in so many cases, and the amount of thought he puts into all of his beliefs astounds me. no matter what he has decided he believes, he believes it whole-heartedly and is loyal to the cause. my baby brother is helpful to the max. he's the youngest, so he grew up doing everyone's bidding. but, he never complains, and never asks for anything in return. just helps out any way he can, and with a good attitude.

my nephews and the princess adore him, he's by far the favorite, funnest, and coolest uncle. he's the one everyone wants attention from. mostly, though i just love this kid. one day, he's going to make an awesome dad. today, on a day dedicated to dads (and i didn't forget my mama's birthday), i hope my baby brother has the most awesome day. he's my favorite in so many ways.

immigration

so, i understand that i am biased on this matter. i am the child of a [once] illegal immigrant. but, i am also the child of  ancestors who came here on the mayflower, and ancestors who must be called native americans, because they were the first.

i also understand that i posted just a few hours ago. however, after reading this article and glancing at the comments, i was enraged. here is just a small rant. probably not real easy to understand, but i don't really care. also, if you do not agree, i do not care to hear about it. i will delete your comments.

immigration is such a dividing, horrible matter. it usually makes me livid to read or hear people's opinions on the matter. if you try to discuss it with me, i will refuse. i cannot be reasonable, i get too emotional. instead of being Christ-like, loving, or humble, it seems like people talking about immigration become hateful. i honestly do not understand it. i do not see what the huge, looming threat from immigration is.

it disgusts me that mexicans have taken the brunt of this hate. there are plenty of illegal immigrants from more places than mexico. those places just don't  carry the stigma that being mexican does. accents are seen as attractive--who doesn't like to hear a gorgeous aussie talk? have a mexican accent, though, and you get a completely different reaction.

when did we, as a people, decide that we are so much better than our fellow man? when did we decide that we get to judge others; that we know their lives?  when did it become such a huge privilege to be american, and why are we so leery to share that privilege? i guess it's human nature to want to be superior, and i am sure they have been gossiping and judging since adam. i just don't see the point in all the hate. whatever happened to world peace?

yes, i feel like immigrating legally is the best option. however, i do not think it is reasonable to think that can be the only option. we're trying to literally seal our southern border (and killing teenagers there) but what about the border to the north?  what about our coastlines? how did we become this obsessed with only one piece of the puzzle, demonizing and making mexicans the scapegoats for the larger problem?

sealing the border will not solve anything. it will not fix the millions of american citizens addicted, who fuel the drug industry. it will not stop crime, will not pay hospital bills. it will do nothing but harm our relationships with our neighbors, and harm our moral quality as a nation.

amnesty is the only conscionable answer. the immigrants who are here already are not going anywhere. they have spouses and children, have jobs no one else wants. why not provide a gateway to legality? more people paying into the tax bank is something that usually motivates everyone in government.

taking basic human rights from illegal immigrants only opens up the door to taking rights from other unfavorable groups. i think arizona is taking the complete wrong angle on this matter. creating a culture of fear is never profitable for either party.

punishing innocent babies because of the manner their parents entered this country is wrong. end of story. any baby born on our shores deserves every right to citizenship possible. anything less is the start of a slippery slope.

everything changes

well, it seems like my whole world is a different place right now. a week ago today, i was working at provo canyon school, and had every intention of staying there for a long time. the past few days have found me starting a new job. it's interesting being back on the other side of the hiring table.

my favorite part about this new job is that i have yet to be cussed out. i am working customer service, so i know it will happen, but it is nice to not have to worry about that same customer breaking my knee or punching me. the biggest, and by far best thing about my new job is that i have weekends off!!  it's so exciting that i do not have to work sundays anymore, or find coverage saturdays for rugby. the only downside is that i have to wake up at a decent hour nowadays; no more sleeping till 12 or 1pm for me :)

it's a good change, but most importantly a change. it's so easy for me to get comfortable and complacent, i am glad to be able to break that cycle.

in other news, i am going back to school second block this fall.

also, i am going to france.

way excited about both!!