Uncle Sila!

Well, one of my sisters is pregnant, and she found out on Friday that it is a boy. They are naming him Silakivai, after my oldest brother. My 4-year old nephew is more than happy to tell everyone who will listen about his new baby who is coming soon, and will be named "Uncle Sila"

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One of my sisters recently realized that the top on a tanning bed is meant to be pulled down over the top of you. This same sister once engaged my mom in an argument about whether "a quarter to 5" meant 4:35 or 4:45 (a quarter=25, right?)

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Well, the inevitable has happened- I am beginning to plateau. School is not quite as new and fun, and not having as much expendable income is becoming old. I think Melancholy is probably the perfect way to describe this feeling. I knew this day would come; that I could not surf along on the high of making a life change forever. I just wish it had not come so soon. Nevertheless (I love that word, but spell checkers don't) I know that I am doing the right thing, and I am so excited for the way things are headed!

I started training for this volunteer program called CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) that works with the Guardian ad Litem's office (What I want to be when I "grow up") It is a pretty long training, and all volunteer, but I am so excited and hopeful to begin! I know it will be so fulfilling, and I am excited to finally have the ball rolling.

Anywho, this was kinda a disjointed post, but there's an update for anyone interested!

Grab Life by the Horns

I think that's a quote from some Dodge trucks commercial, but I really like the sound of it.

I am a firm believer that we are the creators of our own destiny-Our lives are exactly what we make of them. I was recently talking to a girl who, because of experiences she had with a few stuck-up white people, has decided she does not like white people at all. Immediately when I heard that, I was saddened.

Saddened at the loneliness this girl must have felt to make her respond like that. Saddened at the people whose own close mindedness had fostered a close mindedness in this little girl.

I realized that I am a fixer.

I have a compulsive urge to fix things. Not the broken faucet or the broken cabinet, but people. I feel helpful and calm when I can fix people or their situations. Does it matter that these people don't want to be fixed? Not at all. They're gonna be whether they like it or not!

Which is why I was dumbfounded when this girl told me her story. I had no idea what to say that would fix the situation. Looking back, I realize there was nothing to say. It's a problem she's got to sort out herself. Any advice I could give her would either be too vague, too personal, or too harsh.

What is the difference between me and this girl? Our stories are different, but our personalities are alike, and our experiences similar. What is the axis on which all this turns?

Perspective

I am hardly what I would consider old. I do not think I am any sort of expert on life and living, but I do know that I have gained a lot of perspective since I was a teenager. The world that I thought I understood has changed in so many ways since I was 16, and on my way to conquer it. I wonder how much more it will change as I grow older. I feel like the "perspective" I have now will seem like nothing when I am 50, but it is all-encompassing now.

I guess that is the essence of life; to learn, gain perspective, and wisdom. I hope to continue to gain all of them throughout my life. I guess that is part of the reason why I have registered and paid for school. There is no turning back now. I'm all in.

Random thoughts...

Well, I read a book about overcoming OCD the other day. Am I a coffer full of knowledge and insight into overcoming OCD? One would hope so.

Sadly, the only thing I have accomplished by reading the book is recognizing that I obsess about things. Irrational and ridiculous things. I swear that my obsessions are worse off since I read that book.

Now I'm obsessing about how I obsess about things. I'm hopeless!

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I feel like I am standing on the brink. I am stuck in this rut in my life--not entirely miserable, but also not entirely content. My toes are dangling out over the edge, and my future; the fulfillment of 23 years of desires, is within sight. All I need to do is take the leap of faith.

I feel like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. I cannot watch his leap of faith scene. It makes me tense about my own situation. So much rests on me going forward, but the way is deceiving. I can see the glowing chamber that is my future. Even though my trusty guide is urging me forward, I am not sure.

I recently realized that my entire life has been leading me to this exact point. The precipice I stand at is the culmination of years of preparation. I have been unconsciously working toward this day literally forever.

I also recently realized that this feet-dragging I am experiencing is only a problem of perspective. Someone above or below (or even to either side) of Indiana Jones would be able to see the situation clearly, without the deception Indy experiences. They would urge him forward, confused about why he pauses.

I, too, am merely a victim of perspective. From where I am at, the way seems impassable. Yet I have a guide, the Spirit, that is far more knowledgeable about these things. My guide is telling me to move forward with faith. I have no real options but to do so.

The back story

Any time I see skid marks on the road, I wonder about the story behind them. Was someone driving too fast, and a deer darted in front of them? Were they on their cell phone when traffic all-of-the-sudden stopped? Were they driving too fast when their exit snuck up on them? Most of the time, I am left to my thoughts to ponder the story behind the skid marks; it is not often that I get the whole story.

The most disconcerting skid marks are the ones that head straight off the edge of the road. Those have back stories that I do not care to know. Those almost always end in tragedy. My dad and brother left skid marks like those on the freeway once. Driving past there, I have this morbid urge to look for the skid marks. There are plenty to choose from, so I usually pick a pair and assume those are them. The physical reminder of someone's worst drive ever.

It is not often that our choices leave such blatant physical proof. If you choose to drink, short of a biopsy of your liver, the alcohol will have left few physical side effects. Not so with tire marks on the road. They are a testament to the raw power that 2 tons of steel and metal rolling down the road at 65 mph can possess.

Skid marks make me grateful for modern-day advances in brake technology. They are a humbling reminder of our own mortality. I cannot look at a set of skid marks without the urge to slow down; wherever I am headed will still be there even if I am 5 minutes late.

Every image sends a message, but every image also has a back story. The back story is rarely public knowledge. It's the stuff deep family secrets are made of; the stuff of legends. I think often, we are extremely concerned with what message we are sending out to other people. Maybe we should be more concerned with the back story; the real story. That's what will matter in the end.

April showers

April showers bring May flowers

Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

The rains came down and the floods came up...and the house on the rock stood still.

Well, it is raining tonight. Not the usual Utah drizzle, but pouring rain. It's a little intimidating to see this much rain on my way home from work. The first thought that ran through my mind was annoyance that it was raining, until I realized that April showers bring May flowers. Then I was actually kind of happy. It's amazing what the difference of attitude makes. Earlier, my attitude was annoyance because the rain symbolized winter to me, and I was ready for winter to be over months ago.

Remembering that nursery rhyme changed my mindset. All of the sudden, rain meant sunshine and flowers-- the beginnings of Spring! It was such a shock to me to realize that my entire attitude could be changed by something so simple as a nursery rhyme.

Something that I viewed as a nuisance, an annoyance, was suddenly transformed into a wonderful reminder that winter is not forever. Rain went from being the bane of my existence to being a source of joy.

I wrote that last night, and it has rained off and on today also. I have a much better attitude about the rain today. I am focusing more on the fact that I love the smell of rain, I miss the smell of slugs after it rains, and I mostly just love summer.

Spring is here; Summer must be on its heels!

Let's try a Benjamin

Well, I have seen this on a lot of blogs, and I am rather bored today, so here goes.

1. I have two jobs.
2. I hate having two jobs but will not quit either.
3. I like each for its own reasons, and they are a good balance for each other
4. I call my nephew "brown boy" not because he is brown, but because my other nephew called him brown (versus himself who is "black").
5. I have to stop myself from saying it in public because I don't want people to think I'm some skinhead racist.
6. Some days, I can be guilted into doing anything.
7. Other days, you can beg for hours and not change my mind
8. When I was 12, my older sister got married
9. I was the youngest one in her line
10. I was also the tallest
11. It messed with my mind for a while
12. Now, I'm almost twice that age
13. And I work at a junior high
14. It almost seems like some sick kind of regression
15. I track kids' attendance at the Junior High
16. I have conversations with them about how important it is to attend every class
17. I make them promise to go to their classes and get upset when they don't
18. I feel like a hypocrite because you couldn't pay me to go to class in school
19. I hope some of them take it seriously
20. I know from experience most of them will not
21. I hated our High School tracker.
22. I swore she was racist
23. I would have sworn on a bible that she only yelled at the brown kids
24. Now, the kids swear I am racist.
25. Karma's a b****
26. I am pretty certain most days that I could do a better job than everyone else.
27. It doesn't matter what job it is
28. I refuse to put my wipers on high, even if I need it
29. I guess I would rather die than look like a spaz
30. My nephew has really bad asthma
31. He throws up if he runs or plays too much
32. The thought of it happening in public is enough to make my OCD mind go crazy
33. I read a book about OCD the other week
34. Partway through it, I tried to convince myself I had OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder)
35. It's a lot the same, only not as bad
36. More like personality quirks than crazyness
37. Sadly, I am definitely crazy
38. It's nice pretending they are just personality quirks
39. I am incredibly vain about my hair
40. It does not matter how nice yours is; my hair is better
41. I adore the color of my hair
42. Really. It's got tons of natural highlights in the summer
43. My hair lightening is more incentive to be outside than getting tan
44. Bodies of water fascinate me-I love them.
45. I am terrified of what is below you in open water
46. Sometimes, I even get scared of sharks in the deep end of the pool
47. If I'm not careful, I have to talk myself down from a panic attack in the pool.
48. The first time I water skied, no one told me to let go if I didn't get up
49. I held on for a good 5 seconds before the force of the water nearly drowned me
50. Everyone but me thought it was hilarious
51. I am probably the only one who still remembers it
52. But I think it's hilarious now, too
53. I got peed on by a dog last summer
54. Warm pee dripping down my hip was the nastiest feeling ever.
55. Another one of those times when everyone but me thought it was hilarious
56. I am able to laugh about it now
57. When I let myself, I become more crazy than normal
58. It's a nice coping skill
59. I can physically feel the tension melt off when I am doing something OCD
60. Alphabetizing, re-ordering, counting, cleaning. Anything works
61. I made a quilt for a baby shower last week
62. I was quite proud of it
63. In fact, I thought it was a lot better than one someone else brought
64. She doesn't know this, but I won.
65. I basically never comment on people's blogs
66. If a post of mine does not have a comment, I wonder if it is horrible
67. I contemplate deleting the post
68. I have to talk myself out of it several times
69. Then I remember "It's not me, it's the OCD"
70. And my universe re-centers itself
71. But I still don't comment on other peoples blogs
72. Double standard, I know
73. I peed my pants in the 4th grade.
74. My mom was working, so my friend's mom brought me clothes
75. I am not sure which was more embarrassing to me, my teacher and the office lady finding out, or my friend's mom
76. Sometimes, I wonder if she remembers and thinks I'm gross
77. I am terrified to drive next to bicycles on the road
78. I just imagine them toppling over into my lane
79. I hate CFL light bulbs and refuse to use them
80. I don't necessarily hate the environment.
81. I just hate that they are so dim right at first
82. Dim just doesn't cut it. Sometimes, I need light right then
83. When I was in Mutual, my Young Women leaders were all within the ages of 19-24.
84. I learned more about sex (and their sex lives) from them than anyone or anything else to that point
85. I adored Mutual for the most part
86. It helped that there were a high of 10 girls ever
87. Girls camp was the best
88. This past summer (and the one coming up) was the first summer since I was 12 that I did not go to camp
89. I really like being in charge
90. Not necessarily to power trip
91. More just knowing I'm in charge
92. Someone else who is in charge can make exactly the same decision I would but it feels a lot better knowing it came from me
93. It's the same with driving
94. I hate being behind a car, even if they are going the same speed I am
95. Knowing that I could not speed up if I wanted drives me crazy.
96. Without fail, I speed up and pass the car
97. Only to then go the exact same speed I was
98. It is unacceptable if said car attempts to speed up and pass me
99. This number is lower than the MPH that I am willing to go to prevent said car from passing me
100. I'm crazy. I know. I am still trying to convince myself they're just personality quirks!

Wow, 100 seemed like a pretty big number when I started. I guess time flies when you are having fun AND when you are talking about yourself. :)

In the still of the night...

The other night, I walked outside, and could not help but feel something eerily creepy about the night. I thought it might be that I had just watched the Ring the night before, and was still a little scared from it but that was not it. I could not pinpoint what was creepy about that night until last night. Last night was a normal, beautiful night (hopefully also the beginnings of spring). Nothing seemed odd, and everything seemed in its place.

It was then that I realized that nights without wind are eerie.

I can't imagine what could be romantic about the still of the night to inspire the song, but it's apparent from the song that not everyone agrees with me. A completely still day does not phase me. It's just as normal as a breezy day. A completely still night on the other hand, is disconcerting.

In general, I think the world (day, or night with wind :) is such a wonderfully beautiful place. It is hard for me to look at a flower and not be awed by the omnipotent God that made it. The more I grow and learn about our world and its intricacies, the more convinced I am of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am blessed to live in a truly beautiful and choice land. Sure, there are prettier mountains out there. Prettier deserts, prettier lakes and rivers, more gorgeous fall leaves, but I like the ones here best.

There was a time when the only thing keeping me in Utah was my family. Yup, you heard me! My family. I am a self-professed homebody (though I don't think anyone will disagree) In my years here, I have actually grown to really appreciate and love Utah. Sure, the people drive me insane sometimes, and I am not sure I want my kids to grow up here. However, I think it is probably a case of blooming where you are planted more than anything else. Sure, I might be the weed popping out of nowhere-a nuisance to all involved, but at least I am blooming :)



Professing my love of Utah is not what I intended with this post, but just as with life, the post takes you unexpected places. Working two full-time jobs and still not done with school is not where I intended my life to be, but welcome! This is where I'm at!