Melancholy...

Such a descriptive word. I really like it, and it perfectly describes how I've been feeling lately. "A feeling of thoughtful sadness" is what Google says. I guess not so much the sadness, but definitely the thoughtfulness.

There are two different opportunities for advancement in my job right now, and I am really torn about whether I want to go for them or not. One of them would be doing the exact same thing I do now; just randomly, and working with a different group of girls every day (So my exact job, minus the emotional attachment). The other is a supervisor position- one that I'm being encouraged to apply for by my boss; but I am not sure I am ready for.

Part of me says, go for any opportunities you can. But another, more insistent, part of me would rather stay where I am--in a position I know I am great at--and not mess with the equilibrium. I do it quite often. I would rather have the "evil I know" that the evil I don't.

I am fully aware that this is not a normal-or healthy, really-philosophy, but it is completely worth it for me to stay somewhere I don't necessarily enjoy, if it means avoiding change. The unknown terrifies me more than anything (except maybe failure) and has a huge role in shaping my choices, thus my future.

I'm sure that in the end I will go for one of the other positions, and I am even relatively sure I will do well at either. But for now, I think I will just take advantage of the opportunity to be all melancholy for a while and enjoy the job I have while it's here.

It's good to reevaluate and contemplate every so often. I think that everyone should do it every once in a while. Even if it's only an excuse to use the word Melancholy. =)

My sister

Sometimes, I just need my Moses fix. I don't know what it is exactly, or why, but Moses has always been my favorite type of therapy. Seeing him come running up to me or listening to him prattle on about his day is like an instant decompression from any stress I'm under.

When I was in Ogden and going to school, he was my instant stress reliever. When I was a nanny and spent basically every waking moment with kids, all I would need to do is come to Talia's house and see Moses to remember why I became a nanny in the first place. He's just an adorable kid all around, and a huge blessing in my life.

I decided last night, though, that Moses is not the only reason I come to Talia's house. Sometimes I just really need my sister's advice. She is always willing to listen to my problems (or the things in my life that I see as problems) and give me sound advice. There is never a problem that I take to her that she does not advise me to pray/fast over. She is such a wonderful example of womanly virtue for me to follow. I just feel so incredibly blessed to have her in my life.

My sister is 8 years older than me, but she is one of my dearest, closest friends. When I was younger, she was always the incredibly cool older sister. She could do no wrong in my eyes. Now, through more clear eyes, I see that she has faults just like the rest of us, but she is a strong, spiritual, successful woman, and I would consider myself blessed if I turn out half as well as she has.

Rocky Mountain Power Sucks!

Well, the title may or may not be completely self-explanatory, but basically, Rocky Mountain Power Sucks. The Malad Valley of south-eastern Idaho is my haven, my escape, and my heritage.

My family has lived there/owned land there for four (actually, my generation is the fifth) generations. My great-great-grandfather emigrated there from Wales, and raised a family on land that's still "in the family." My great-grandfather and grandpa were born and raised there. My mom spent her childhood visiting her grandparents in Malad, and I spent my youth visiting there. The Malad valley is more than just a beautiful, scenic, and serene place to visit. It is the most heritage I have. It is the resting place of the mortal bodies of four of my grandpa's grandparents. It is where the physical body of my dear, sweet grandma will lie until the second coming.

It is the place I run to when I need a break from life. It is, in every way imaginable my haven. So, when I received an email titled "Help us save the Ranch," my heart dropped out of my chest and into my stomach. The beautiful Malad Valley is in danger of being overrun by huge power lines, with basically no public input or thought of the public impact.

So, here is my plea; visit the link above, write Rocky Mountain Power (or even PacifiCorp, their mother company) write to the Idaho Attorney General, the Idaho Public Utilities Commission, write to friends, co-workers, anyone who will help get the word out. This cannot be allowed to happen to my beloved Malad.

My addiction

Well, if my work would let me, I would constantly work 80 hour weeks. It is my vice and my addiction. I work almost that much as it is (65-70 hours, usually) and any time someone asks why, I say that I need the money and leave it at that. Lately, I've been wondering for myself why I constantly work that often. I do not necessarily save loads of money (even though I know I should) I don't have tons of huge bills to be paid. I'm really very good at my job, but my family is convinced I am working myself to death.


The reason I have come up with is that I am, in some weird way, trying to avoid my life through an addiction to work. Work is stressful, exhausting, and incredibly draining. Life can be rewarding, fun, happy (and is, when I have a random shift or day off) It should be an easy choice between the two, but I have chosen the unlikely option.


I think the reason is that, while work is stressful, draining, exhausting, it is work. I do not need to take responsibility for any of it. If something goes wrong, I can write it off in my conscience, and when my shift is over, return to life. Life, on the other hand, is wonderful, and I quite enjoy it, but when something goes wrong, there is no one BUT me to take responsibility. The only place to run to is work. I think this is why I choose to work constantly, with only short spurts of life thrown in. I would rather give up any happiness I could gain from life in order to avoid the possibility of sadness. I guess I am a fair-weather life liver. If I can't have all happiness, I'd rather not have any.


I've tried to convince myself that this is an absolutely normal and healthy outlook, but now that the prospect of three full days off from work staring me in the face, I am terrified. I feel almost like a junkie who has just been thrown into the drunk tank, suddenly faced with the prospect of an entire weekend spent detoxing and sober. There will be no work to numb the impact of life for me, and the thought panics me more than I can describe.


I have no idea what the next few days have in store for me (and the thought is scary), but I am really excited to find out. (and absolutely determined to use self-control and NOT go into work early)

My sister refuses to blog

Well, my sister refuses to get herself a blog, and I think these pictures are adorable, so here are some updated pics of the Princess and Mo [Edit: After I posted this, I emailed her a copy of it, and inspired her to finally start a blog =) The kids are still cute, though!]

Genius Ideas =)

Well, I got a gift card for Christmas to a department store that I never (ever) go to. I knew that I did not really want clothes or shoes, but I had really wanted to find a new perfume. So, I had this really good idea to use the gift card for perfume.

So far so good, right? Well, because I worked every day (usually doubles) for two weeks after Christmas, I figured I would "beat the crowds" and just buy it online. So, I went to the store's website, read some reviews, and bought me my perfume. No problems there, right? I even got free shipping!

Yeah. It was not until after the box arrived and I had ripped it open, that I realized (actually, I had to have it pointed out to me by my mom...) perfume is officially on the There are some things you just should not buy online, list.

Never heard of this list? Neither had I, but I imagine that it includes such items as wigs, cars, makeup, wedding dresses, perfume, undergarments, caskets, tattoos, bathing suits, artwork, real estate, shoes. (it's got a lot in common with the Things you should NEVER buy used list) Either things that cost insane amounts of money, or things that, in order to function properly, really need to be smelled, tried on, and compared to twelve other options, before being finally chosen (Overall, things that need to be seen/bought in person)

The bottom line is this; If anyone knows of a grandma-type person (or someone else who has lost most of the function of their nose) who wants some extremely strong perfume, it's available currently on ebay. =)

About time...

Well, I figure it's about time to write another blog. I decided that I am pretty much an every-other week blogger, and it's coming up to pay day again, so here goes. :)

It's weird to think how quickly time has passed for me, and how much changed in 2007.

On this day in 2007 (well, ok actually the 5th), Talia and I were in Denver for the day, rushing around like crazy people to get my passport so I could fly to Australia on the 8th. Masey was an adorable infant, Mosese was my constant, adoring companion and my sanity. Beautiful little Jenna Lee was just a faraway dream. I was a live-in nanny, and I was getting ready to fly across the world to spend the rest of the month of January in the Land Down Under.

In 2007, I met each of my dad's four sisters, and all of my first cousins on that side for the first time. I flew (by myself) to the other side of the world, and watched water drain clockwise. I spent almost a month with complete strangers who also happened to be family, and learned a lot about myself and how blessed I am to live in this great nation.

2007 was the first full year in my life that I did not attend a single class in school since I turned 5 and went to Kindergarten. (I did some independent study/online courses, but did not step foot in a classroom.)

2007 was the year that I turned 21. Wow, I'm legal. I almost feel like a failure because I have done nothing special since becoming "legal" No drinking. No gambling. No car rentals with the $10-a-day surcharge. I haven't even had to renew my drivers license yet.

2007 was the year I bought my first "real" car, complete with payments, insurance, etc (I figure the $300 car my parents bought me in High School does not really count)

2007 was the year I got my first credit card (and with it my first credit card debt)

2007 was the year of the most unbelievable Girls Camp ever. (complete with bear sightings, cougar sightings, rattle snakes, me running over/bursting the water pipe that supplied the camp with water, me falling off a bridge and getting a compression fracture in my heel, having to rush one of my girls down the mountain to the hospital after 11 of the girls were stung by a hive full of angry hornets)

2007 was the year of my Grandma. I spent the first half of the year making every effort I could to spend time with her and make memories with her (and by default, my family); and the last half of the year making every effort I could to NOT think about her or spend any time with my family. I learned that I can survive without my Grandma, it's just not nearly as comfortable or easy as having Grandma around.

2007 was the year I decided that I hate small children, and it was probably time to quit my nanny job.

2007 was the year I started my first "real" job; complete with 401K, retirement planning, stock options, and office gossip...

2007 was, overall, a year full of learning for me. I like to think that I learned a lot about myself, the world, and life in general. Hopefully, when I look back at 2008, (which I am beginning to think will be the year of Obama) I can say that I've made as much progress as I did this past year.